Some people just have to have a nibble.....................

With more of your problem letters arriving each day, I sure have been keeping busy!

I decided to answer this letter, as the lady is having trouble with a particularly nasty habit of biting her nails. As this is a common problem, it may be of help to others who would like to know how to stop biting their nails too.

Dear Aunt Susie,

Ever since I was a little girl, I have bitten my nails. I've even seen a psychologist who thinks my problem stems from my Mum giving away my dummy when I was 18 months old.

I bite them so short, they are sore. I am getting married next year, so I am pleading with you to give some of your wonderful expert advice.

If you can't help me..........then I know that no-one can!

Yours sincerely

Judy Fingerends

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Dear Judy,

Oh, your poor thing! It just so happens that I too suffered with nail biting, so I am going to share my cure with you.

First of all, go around your neighbourhood and collect as many of these as you can

When you have gathered up all the babies in your street, line them up on your sofa. Then you have to feed them with loads of this................................

I recommend two tins for each baby.

Go off and do something useful, like nipping off to Bingo. Let nature take its course, and by the time you get back, you will have loads of these....................

Change every single nappy.

Here is the most important part of the plan....................................

.............................................................................

WHATEVER YOU DO, ON NO ACCOUNT WASH YOUR HANDS!

I bet the urge to bite your nails will soon vanish

Trust me, after a couple of weeks you will have nails like this...................

Your only problem now is................if you eat any chocolate pudding - you will be very careful, won't you?

Yours sincerely,

Aunt Susie

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Before I go, I thought I would share this with you.

This genuinely came up as my verification word when I was leaving a comment on someone's blog.

Cheek!

You just can't help some people..................

Oh!................sometimes I feel just like giving up.

As you know, recently I have been giving out helpful(?) advice to some of my readers.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

You know me.........sunny disposition, never let the b******s grind me down.

I carry my optimism and cheerfulness like a banner before me.

Wherever I go people wave at me, they shout after me, "Aye up, Sue! Howya doin'?"

(Admittedly some also shout "Go home you loony!" and "Have you forgotten to take your medication today?")

On the whole, folks appreciate my help and positive outlook.

But, as my dear old Mumsie would say, "There's always one!"

The "one" in this case is a lady called Carrie. She recently sought my advice on the problem she was having with her lovelife, or lack thereof.

I've just come back from my weekly lunch with my BFF Carol, and listened to a rather nasty message from Carrie on my answer phone.

"Hello, Aunt Susie, you are a **@!?//**@!"

There was no need to use language like that!

I am not going to 'phone her back and get involved getting into a heated argument, so I will answer her here, if that's OK with you.

Dear Carrie Donnabitt,

All I tried to do was to give you a bit of advice on how to inject a bit of spice and variety in the bedroom, in an effort to rekindle the passion that was once existed between you and your husband.

Yes............I did suggest that you might nip down to B&Q and install a wardrobe rail between your ceiling and floorboards of your bedroom, so that you might entice your hubby by doing a bit of pole dancing for his delight....................

and ......Yes, I did suggest that you practice as much as possible before trying it out in front of him.

But.....................(and I have double checked the content of the email I sent you,)..................

never, at any time, did I suggest that you carried out your practice moves.................

........on the number 14 bus on your way home from work!

Therefore, I will NOT be coming round to the "Cop Shop" to explain.

Neither will I post your bail.

I'm sorry that your husband has left you, and gone to live with his Mum, but that's hardly my fault.

Still, look on the bright side...........I hear on the grapevine that the bus driver WAS impressed with your antics. I believe they can be very attentive lovers. So, you never know, you may thank me some day.

Your sincerely,

Aunt Susie

There are still many letters in my postbag, but......................

I throw these questions out to you, my dear bloggeroos..............

Shall I continue to use the benefit of my life's experiences to help others?

Should I allow this woman to stop me from answering my readers' problems?

Please leave me a comment on what you think.

And the problems keep on coming....................

Well, duckies! As you can see - I'm fast disappearing under a flood of Basildon Bond and Churston Deckle.

Your problems keep on coming, so today I'm going to answer another poor bloggeroo who is at her wits' end.

This letter is from a lady who is constantly embarrassed by her husband. (I think MOST of us relate to that!)

Dear Aunt Susie,

Over the last few years my husband has been living on a diet of beer, pies, and fish and chips.

Needless to say, he is now very overweight.

What's more - he insists on wearing trousers that are about two sizes too small.

This has resulted in that horror of horrors - BUILDERS' BUM.

This problem is not just causing problems in our marriage, but also in the Car Park at Sainsbury's.

Yesterday, as hubby was bending down putting the shopping in the boot - several shoppers who saw his backside - tried to park their bikes there!

(Although, I must admit - I can see why they made this mistake.)

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad, if he ACTUALLY was a builder, but he's a plumber!

Also, because he has mushy peas with his fish and chips, he suffers with very smelly bottom burps too!

Please don't suggest a change in his diet. This man takes some training - it took me five years to get him to use a knife and fork.

I do hope that you can help.

Yours sincerely

Mrs Seymour-Bumm

Now, as luck would have it - my son is also a plumber. So, I wasted no time in 'phoning my daughter-in-law to ask how she deals with this problem. This is what she told me.............

Dear Mrs S-B,

Oh, my heart goes out to you, it really does. Many wives have to put up with terrible problem, but you are one of the lucky ones!

As your hubby is a plumber, no doubt he carries some duct tape in his kit.

Cut a strip about 12 inches long and apply as shown................

VOILA! Both problems cured in one go!

All the best,

Aunt Susie

******

Do you have a problem that you think I may be able to help with?

Let me know and I'll do my best.

Before those of you too young to remember Churston Deckle and send me an email, asking what it is.............

See - it's not an incurable illness - it's a type of writing paper!

Another one of life's little problems................

Hello my little bloggeroos, it seems there are a lot of you out there with your share of problems.

You poor things - but never fear, Aunt Susie is here!

I received an email from Miss Doris Open today. I thought I would share it with you as you never know when you might find yourself in a similar situation. Then you too can benefit from my expert advice.

It seems Auntie Doris has been invited to her favourite niece's wedding and would like some advice on what to wear and how to behave.

When I need advice myself, I always find my large extended family are a mine of useful information and helpful tips.

On this occasion, I decided to ask my Auntie Moo. She has over 20 nieces and has been to loads of weddings.

She is well past 70 and has her own unique style when it comes to wedding outfits, so over to you Auntie Moo.........................

Hi Auntie Doris, Auntie Moo here,

Oh you lucky thing, I just love weddings, (although for some reason, I've not been invited to a couple recently.)

WHAT TO WEAR

Now here's a chance to be daring, and really push the boat out. I've found a few ideas.

What do you think of....................

or......

Try to find a really unusual hat

and these shoes would complement your dress a treat

Only buy a pair of shoes like this if they're comfy.

A special occasion is a really good opportunity to practice a new look with your makeup too. I know you're a similar age to me so something like this looks lovely......

That completes the look, although I also add my walking aid too!

How to Behave

Remember you are a "Maiden Aunt of a Certain Age" you have a duty to behave in a way fitting to your title, so.....................

Make sure you kiss all the males at the wedding reception between the ages of 14 and 45. Ensure you leave a bright red lipstick mark on their cute little faces!

When you are offered a drink, your reply should be "Well I only usually drink lemonade, but if you insist - I'll have a large sweet sherry." Drink this a soon as possible, more sherry will then follow!

All of this alcohol is necessary. It is your duty to keep the dancing going - all night if possible.

You have to dance very silly and shout wooooohoooooo! loudly.

Not only is expected for you to make a complete fool of yourself............

IT'S THE LAW!

Have a lovely time

Sue's Auntie Moo

XXXX

P.S. For more fashion tips see the post Auntie Moo's Audacious Shopping Expedition

Dear Aunt Susie.........your problems answered.....

Well, my dear bloggeroos - as soon as my last blogpost hit the ether, you all decided that you need an agony aunt much more than you need an astrologer!

I have been absolutely inundated (honest!) with letters and emails from you asking for my help, so here goes..............

I received this email from a young lady.............

"Dear Aunt Susie,

My mother is Spanish and I have inherited her beautiful olive skin. I have also inherited her black flowing hair, and it's the hair that's causing my problem.

Within minutes of shaving my "underneaths" they grow back with such speed, that by the time I've put on my bikini bottoms, it looks like I'm concealing a Brillo pad inside them!

Please, please help as I am going over to Los Angeles next week to meet my future in-laws, so I want to create a good impression.

signed

Monkey Lady"

**********

Dear Monkey Lady,

Oh you poor thing - don't worry, I can definitely help you with this. The medical term for your problem is "Overgrown Lady Bush" , sometimes referred to as O.L.B. and is more common than you realise.

You have a couple of choices here.............

Have you tried waxing?

This can be quite an effective way of keeping those curly little devils in check!

A word of warning.........don't wax the very ends. It makes them sharp and you'll be at risk of taking someone's eye out!

Alternatively, have you thought of using the latest Hollywood technique for O.L.B. that is all the rage over there?

Now, I have this information straight from a well-known expert in all things Hollywood.

Namely, my Great Auntie Annie who used to work as a cinema usherette at the local Regal during the 1950's. No-one can compare to her expertise!

Here's what she told me to tell you....................

Don't go against Mother Nature and work with what you've got.

• Resist the urge to pluck shave or plait the offending little beggars for one week.

• Buy a selection of brightly coloured wooden beads, ebay have a lovely selection.

• Taking a few strands of hair, plait together and thread the beads on.

Use your imagination - go wild and make a pretty pattern as you go.

When all the plaits are done, arrange either side of your bikini bottom.

You will be sporting such a thing of beauty, people will not fail to notice you!

A similar technique worked great for Bo Derek................

A word of warning..................

When displaying your new beauty feature, avoid walking on laminate flooring without adequate safety precautions. The noise will be deafening!!!!!

signed

Aunt Susie

I have loads more problems to answer, but don't let that stop you sending in yours.

If you would like me to answer one of your problems, send me an email. I will try my best to answer it on my blog with my unique expertise and give you a link back to your blog.

P.S. I hope you really WILL email some "problems" for me to solve - I've had such fun doing this!

I'm Now Self-Certified..........in Astrology!

Before I begin with your FREE introductory horoscope, I would just like to thank you for your kind messages about the late Mr Dollytub and his imaginary friends. I so appreciate your feedback, and there will be more similar stories to come.

You may remember that in my last post I promised you all a FREE introductory horoscope, now that I have completed my studies.

Even though I spent a whole 15 minutes studying this wonderful science, I decided that as you're all such lovely people, I would cram in at least another 5 minutes honing my skills. (Nothing is too much trouble for my dear readers!)

Here we go then............................

CAPRICORN - The Goat

A well-meaning muppet will offer you advice. Remember what happened last time.

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AQUARIUS - The Water Carrier

Someone will put a red sock in the washing machine. Check that you have a supply of bleach to avoid your husband being embarrassed having to wear a pink shirt .

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PISCES - The Fishes

You will burn your mouth on a slice of pizza. This is an organised conspiracy by Bonjela to try to win more customers.

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ARIES - The Ram

When you go shopping today, you will be pleased that there are only 10 other customers in the store. Disappointment will follow when you discover they are ALL in the queue in front of you at the checkout.

*******

TAURUS - The Bull

You will feel compelled to be the Nutter on the Bus. You will sit next to someone you don't like and talk loudly about an embarrassing medical problem.

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GEMINI - The Twins

Feeling compelled to leave a lasting message for humanity, you 'phone BT Customer Services where your call will be recorded and used for training purposes.

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CANCER - The Crab

You have not been taking your vitamins and all your hair will fall out. Congratulations! You have discovered a cure for dandruff.

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LEO - The Lion

Today you will be amused when someone slips on some dog poo in the street. Remember to wear your Tena Lady.

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VIRGO - The Virgin

Your confidence will take a knock today when you wake up looking exactly like your passport photo and your child finds it amusing.

*******

LIBRA - The Scales

You will receive a email from a lovely Nigerian gentleman. Don't forget to send him your full bank account details, your mother's maiden name and your date of birth.

*******

SCORPIO - The Scorpion

Your child will steal the pen you were using to do your Sudoku puzzle. You will only pretend to be annoyed as you can't do the bl**dy thing anyway.

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SAGITTARIUS - The Archer

An everyday tale about country folk

Your home security will be breached when a burglar enters your house. When he sees the state of the place, he does all the housework and tidies up. You will feel so ashamed you will wish he stole the telly instead.

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I do hope you will comment on how accurate my readings are.

This is a FREE introductory offer, I am planning to offer highly overpriced personalised horoscopes, in the unlikely event that you will be mildly interested.

If no-one thinks my skills are worth paying over the odds for, be warned - if this scam doesn't work, I am planning on becoming an Agony Aunt.

With all my life's experiences, I think I'd be good at that, don't you?