Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dear Aunt Susie.........your problems answered.....

Well, my dear bloggeroos - as soon as my last blogpost hit the ether, you all decided that you need an agony aunt much more than you need an astrologer!

I have been absolutely inundated (honest!) with letters and emails from you asking for my help, so here goes..............

I received this email from a young lady.............

"Dear Aunt Susie,

My mother is Spanish and I have inherited her beautiful olive skin. I have also inherited her black flowing hair, and it's the hair that's causing my problem.

Within minutes of shaving my "underneaths" they grow back with such speed, that by the time I've put on my bikini bottoms, it looks like I'm concealing a Brillo pad inside them!

Please, please help as I am going over to Los Angeles next week to meet my future in-laws, so I want to create a good impression.

Monkey Lady"


Dear Monkey Lady,

Oh you poor thing - don't worry, I can definitely help you with this. The medical term for your problem is "Overgrown Lady Bush" , sometimes referred to as O.L.B. and is more common than you realise.

You have a couple of choices here.............

Have you tried waxing?

This can be quite an effective way of keeping those curly little devils in check!

A word of warning.........don't wax the very ends. It makes them sharp and you'll be at risk of taking someone's eye out!

Alternatively, have you thought of using the latest Hollywood technique for O.L.B. that is all the rage over there?

Now, I have this information straight from a well-known expert in all things Hollywood.

Namely, my Great Auntie Annie who used to work as a cinema usherette at the local Regal during the 1950's. No-one can compare to her expertise!

Here's what she told me to tell you....................

Don't go against Mother Nature and work with what you've got.

  • Resist the urge to pluck shave or plait the offending little beggars for one week.

  • Buy a selection of brightly coloured wooden beads, ebay have a lovely selection.

  • Taking a few strands of hair, plait together and thread the beads on.
Use your imagination - go wild and make a pretty pattern as you go.

When all the plaits are done, arrange either side of your bikini bottom.

You will be sporting such a thing of beauty, people will not fail to notice you!

A similar technique worked great for Bo Derek................

A word of warning..................

When displaying your new beauty feature, avoid walking on laminate flooring without adequate safety precautions. The noise will be deafening!!!!!

Aunt Susie

I have loads more problems to answer, but don't let that stop you sending in yours.

If you would like me to answer one of your problems, send me an email. I will try my best to answer it on my blog with my unique expertise and give you a link back to your blog.

P.S. I hope you really WILL email some "problems" for me to solve - I've had such fun doing this!


Anonymous said...

You are a very funny lady!!!! you always cheer me up :)

John................................. said...

Hmm Susie, I don't know whether to be happy or alarmed that you live just up the road from me, in Lincoln :)

Have you tried this solution out on your owen hairs? xx

John................................. said...

I've just been reading some of your older posts Sue,(It's late and I can't sleep). You lovely with a lot of compassion within you. I look forward to reading more from you from now on. I've near to Spilsby by the way xxx

Anonymous said...

LOL, naughty but very funny!

Shirl xxx

Autumn Mist said...

I don't know how you keep coming up with this stuff, but I'm so glad you do!

bad penny said...

Oh the thought of it beaded ! umm wonder if it'll catch on & they will be offering this beading sevice on a Caribbean beach !

My daughter - then aged about eight, had her long hair braided & beaded on holiday & I was dismayed to see she had nits ! ( little buggers ) the lady continued undeterred & my daughter ended up with a lovely holiday hairdo - I think the nits paked their suitcases after all the oil that was combed in !!!

bad penny said...

PS ... mentioned you on my post today x

Menopausal musing said...

You are sooooo naughty! I roared with laughter at the beading idea! :O)

sue15cat said...

Beading idea brilliant....will let you know how it goes......!!

Sue xx