Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm Now Self-Certified..........in Astrology!


Before I begin with your FREE introductory horoscope, I would just like to thank you for your kind messages about the late Mr Dollytub and his imaginary friends. I so appreciate your feedback, and there will be more similar stories to come.

You may remember that in my last post I promised you all a FREE introductory horoscope, now that I have completed my studies.

Even though I spent a whole 15 minutes studying this wonderful science, I decided that as you're all such lovely people, I would cram in at least another 5 minutes honing my skills. (Nothing is too much trouble for my dear readers!)



Here we go then............................



CAPRICORN - The Goat


A well-meaning muppet will offer you advice. Remember what happened last time.



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AQUARIUS - The Water Carrier



Someone will put a red sock in the washing machine. Check that you have a supply of bleach to avoid your husband being embarrassed having to wear a pink shirt .




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PISCES - The Fishes


You will burn your mouth on a slice of pizza. This is an organised conspiracy by Bonjela to try to win more customers.




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ARIES - The Ram


When you go shopping today, you will be pleased that there are only 10 other customers in the store. Disappointment will follow when you discover they are ALL in the queue in front of you at the checkout.


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TAURUS - The Bull



You will feel compelled to be the Nutter on the Bus. You will sit next to someone you don't like and talk loudly about an embarrassing medical problem.



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GEMINI - The Twins



Feeling compelled to leave a lasting message for humanity, you 'phone BT Customer Services where your call will be recorded and used for training purposes.


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CANCER - The Crab


You have not been taking your vitamins and all your hair will fall out. Congratulations! You have discovered a cure for dandruff.



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LEO - The Lion



Today you will be amused when someone slips on some dog poo in the street. Remember to wear your Tena Lady.


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VIRGO - The Virgin


Your confidence will take a knock today when you wake up looking exactly like your passport photo and your child finds it amusing.


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LIBRA - The Scales


You will receive a email from a lovely Nigerian gentleman. Don't forget to send him your full bank account details, your mother's maiden name and your date of birth.


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SCORPIO - The Scorpion


Your child will steal the pen you were using to do your Sudoku puzzle. You will only pretend to be annoyed as you can't do the bl**dy thing anyway.



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SAGITTARIUS - The Archer


An everyday tale about country folk

Your home security will be breached when a burglar enters your house. When he sees the state of the place, he does all the housework and tidies up. You will feel so ashamed you will wish he stole the telly instead.


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I do hope you will comment on how accurate my readings are.

This is a FREE introductory offer, I am planning to offer highly overpriced personalised horoscopes, in the unlikely event that you will be mildly interested.

If no-one thinks my skills are worth paying over the odds for, be warned - if this scam doesn't work, I am planning on becoming an Agony Aunt.

With all my life's experiences, I think I'd be good at that, don't you?

7 comments:

Pink Feather Paradise said...

Thanks for that... I think you have inspired me to get my lazy arse up and out just so that I can witness this poo slipping catastrophe... I really could do with a good giggle...

I think you talents are wasted with astrology... I think you would make a fabulous agony aunt... the blogosphere could do with an agony aunt... perhaps we should email you our problems on a monday and you could post your responses during the week... fantastic!

x Alex

Menopausal musing said...

Wonderful! Love all the photos that went with this bit of fun. I was "first out" Capricorn and fell about laughing the picture of the goat!

Sandi said...

Gawd, that was so funny, I loved the photo's too, especially the Goat and the dog sweeping up the 'poo' oh and the twins.....titter, titter.
You would make the best Agony Aunt, go on do it, do it!!!!:):):):):):)
xxoo Sandi

KC'sCourt! said...

That post is so funny. I'm airies and I only work in a craft shop but when I'm there on my own you can bet your life I get the queue of ten people!!!
Julie xxxxxxxx

bad penny said...

Ah well I'm OK - a shirt dying Aquarian - my hubby wears pink T Shirts already ! ( Man Pink )

We need an Agony Aunt - so much angst around in Blogland right now.

Olivia~ said...

This is soooo funny and out of control!! I love it, i am a new fan!
Hugs,
Olivia

Autumn Mist said...

So funny. I actually had hysterics at the binary sudoku and will have to show hubby later. Yes be an agony aunt and sort out all our problems. I'll bring the biscuits.