Thursday, April 30, 2009

I only Have Ice for You (with apologies to Mr Sinatra)

Hello there!, my chummy bloggeroos. Many, many thanks for your much appreciated comments and emails.

To be honest, I'm a bit fed up today.

Things never seem to happen as we want them to, do they?.

Take this evening for example. I've been mooching around the kitchen checking what jobs needed doing.

Not that I'm intending to do any of them. But when you're engaged in "Housework Avoidance, Advanced Level", it adds to the thrill if you've made a mental note of the actual chores you're avoiding.

I decided I would avoid two jobs - defrosting the freezer and mending the kitchen drawer.

(Oh the thrill of it all!)

I've sent a Love Letter to David Tennant, (be still my beating heart!) inviting him this evening for tea , (or if you live south of the Watford Gap "Supper".)
For those who don't know who David is, apart from having the sexiest smile in the whole of Christendom and plimsolls to match. Mr Tennant , or 'Darling' as I call him, is the best Dr Who that ever slayed a Dalek.

Here is what I wrote...........

There was a Special Offer today at Lidl's supermarket - all you can fit in your bloomers for a fiver. So hard to resist, and luckily for me - I was wearing a fresh pair with a re-enforced gusset.

They had such wondrous delights, including your favourite - Chocolate Macaroons, so come round to my place on Tuesday and I'll give you one.

For main course there's some leftover Shish Kebabs made with real Shish.

Don't park the Tardis on the verge, that woman over the road with all them kids, let Giles poo on the grass, (Giles is her dog by the way.)

I'm sick of her and I've told her that if she lets him do it again, that I'll tell all the neighbours about what I saw her doing in Lidl's Car Park.
She was standing there bold as brass, both hands down her Primark one-size-fits-all knickers.

She was dragging out her commestibles and shoving it into Waitrose bags and sticking it in her 4X4. Snobby Cow!

Love you lots

P.S. Don't forget to bring some "Hard as Nails."
P.P.S. You'll need this plus your sonic screwdriver to mend the front of my drawers.

I've been sooooo excited! I even decided to put on my second best underwear.

(You may remember what happened to my very best when I was cutting my own hair, see previous posts)

I had this beautiful set of underwear that I hadn't worn since my wedding in 1975 to the First Mr Dollytub, father of my 2 sons. I wasn't sure if all 7 pieces would fit.

Luckily for me they did. (I was even a lard arse back then.)

So I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. And waiting and waiting 'til I can't stay here much longer.

I never could stay propped up on elbows for very long. (The First Mr D will vouch for that)
I've just noticed I'm now suffering with "five o'clock shadow"*

*(Definition: Beard growth late in day: beard growth noticeable later in the day on a man/woman who shaved in the morning.)

I am so bored, I oughta do something, distract myself. Do a little job p'raps. I could maybe nip and trim me bush.

Oh, I know. I'll defrost the freezer whilst I'm waiting. Back in a few minutes, I need to set the hairdryer going around the edges first so I can open the freezer door.
EFFECTS: Cheesy music playing quietly in the background. (Please hold, your blog reading is important to us).....

Right then, that's got that little job started. Now, what was I going to tell you..................

Oh yes, I remember..............

I popped to see Mumsie and Daddio yesterday. What a pair!
Daddio was watching Michelle Mc Cool versus Gail Kim Mud Wrestling on WWE and he was wearing this snazzy little eye patch.

ME: What have you done to your eye Daddio, (I asked him in a concerned voice.)

DADDIO: Nothing. (Still engrossed in the telly.)

ME: What yer wearing it for then?

MUMSIE:Gone on then, tell her. You dozy old FFFFFElla.

DADDIO:The Manageress (aka Mum) reckons I'll go blind watching these young lasses writhing about in the mud.

ME: So why are you wearing the patch?

DADDIO: Well, I thought I'd just risk the one eye.

Oooh, must go. I just heard a clatter downstairs, I think it's David rattling me letter box.

Pop back tomorrow won't yer?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You're Getting to be a Habit With Me, (with apologies to Mr Bing Crosby)

ELDEST SON: Have you found anything suitable to hide your new haircut. yet *Duchess?
* I acquired this nickname from my fellow shoppers in the Co-op, who think I'm "stuck up" ever since I went in to top up my "Lecky" (Electric top up card) whilst wearing a fur coat. Old Chivers my Valet had forgotten to collect my Pound Shop Pack-a-Mack from the Dry Cleaners.

ME: What about this?

ELDEST SON: Not really Duchess, have you got something a bit bigger?

It doesn't quite hide it.

ME: This one then?


ME: I'm not going to find anything giving me more cover than this.

ELDEST SON: Stand back, let ME have a look in your Prada Trolley suitcase. AhA! just the thing - There you go sweet Mother of mine - perfect!

ME: You can be so cruel sometimes, d'yer know that! I've a good mind to change my Last Will and Testament and leave my prized collection of celebrity toe nail clippings to someone who'll appreciate them. Like your brother.

ELDEST SON: (With absolutely no emotion in his voice whatsoever) Oh dear how sad I'll never get over it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Close the Doors, They're Coming Through the Windows PART TWO


If you haven't already read previous post, please do so now.

Go on! I'll wait 'til you get back.......................

(EFFECTS - Softly whistling "Where Do the Holes in Doughnuts Go" whilst shuffling from one foot the other, hands in pinny pockets, staring nonchalantly at the ceiling.)

My oh my, that was quick - where did I get to?
Ah, yes the knock at the door....................

"I wonder who that can be?" At this point I should mention that I don't have a spy hole in the front door, but I do have a small pane of glass. Looking through this did me no good whatsoever - There is one of those bullion thingeys in the middle of the glass. This makes any face completely unrecognisable. A bit like when you look at your face on the convex side of a large spoon. (As yer do.)
I peered through it anyway, and I thought I saw............

OMG! It's Eric Estrada from "CHIPS".

If you don't remember Eric from this telly programme, you're too young to be reading this post, and why aren't you at school?

Now I'm not daft, (really I'm not.) Even though I am a right raving beauty (Why are you laughing?) I realise that Eric Estrada is not going to come round here to show me his chopper, or any other motorbike for that matter.

It seemed that it would be a good idea to get me specs. My eyes are quite bad really, although I do only need to wear them if I want to look at anything.

As I went to the door I walked past the hall mirror and thought, "Ooooh look at that face it looks just like mine, only older."

ME: Who is it? (trying to deepen my voice to sound like Eartha Kitt.)
POLICE: I'm a police officer, Sir.
(Deepened my voice a bit too much there, didn't I?)
: I'm a 'Miss' actually.

Now you must understand, I always make a point of declaring my status to any man who comes within 4 feet of me. You never know - I am single now and I might get lucky. I don't scrub up bad and I still have me own teeth, well four of them anyway.

I've got a better view of him now that I'm bespectacled. Ooooh that's a big word, mind you, I did have a Dictionary for breakfast - I'd run out of Frosty Flakes.

I pushed my nose up to the glass. You know that thing about policeman looking young is a sign we're getting old? Well although he was wearing a cool pair of sunglasses, he bore more than a striking resemblance to the little boy from the toilet roll adverts. (Although the policeman wasn't crooning "Soft, soft, soft.")

ME: What d'yer want? (This time I sounded like Julian Clarey)

POLICEMAN: We've had a report of a disturbance from Mrs Got-It-All three streets away. She said it was coming from your house.

ME: Pardon?

(I'm stalling for time here, surely he can't mean my melodious offerings. I know who this Mrs Got-It-All is. She lives in one of the POSH houses, what a snob. Just because she's got a big bow front and has had her back passage widened, she thinks she better than me. She's obviously forgotten that I knew her before she got hyphenated. In the days when she answered to the name of "Legover Linda", and went around with a blow up mattress in her capacious handbag in case she got lucky, the hussy! )

POLICEMAN: I really do need to speak with you, could you open the door, Sir.

(I don't believe this, he called me 'Sir' again - what a muppet!)

(EFFECTS: Sounds of various yale locks, mortice locks, deadbolts and a door chain.)
I open the door about 5mm. There are 6 cats gathered around him. (Music lovers, obviously. They've popped round to join me in a rousing chorus of "I've lost the end of my Yodel.) They are attempting a bit of "How's Yer Father" on his blue serge covered legs. He is trying to smite them with his truncheon.

ME: Come in, Officer. (I can be quite polite sometimes, I went to a posh school.)

I open the front door a little further and help him up over the doorstep. I think I've already mentioned his lack in height and his resemblance to a toddler.

ME: I wonder if you'd mind leaving the cats outside. I've got *Telegram Sam, my son's dog staying with me and he doesn't like cats.

*The dog earned this name because he keeps leaving messages on the doorstep.

Well, I'm not really sure what happened next. One minute the policeman was waving his truncheon about, trying to discourage the pussies, and the next Sam appears, sees the cats and he's off!

It was definitely the policeman who was at fault so he shot off after them all. The cats scattered, the policeman tried his best to catch up with Sam. After a few minutes looking like he's been playing as rugby scrum half and the dog was the ball, he comes round the corner trying to get his breath back. The poor old copper is absolutely covered in mud. He comes over to me, dog in his arms, and grinning from ear to ear. (Ahhh, Bless)

ME: You'd better come and have a cup of tea.

POLICEMAN: That's very kind of you. Would you mind if I rinsed my helmet in your sink?

He's gone back to the Station now to write his report. He was quite a nice lad really. So nice in fact that I didn't have the heart to tell him that the dog he'd caught wasn't Sam!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Close the Doors, They're Coming Through the Windows

I hate Sundays! I don't know why, I'm retired now so you'd think every day would be the same, but it's not.

Today was quite exciting in a way....................................

There was a letter in yesterday's post, although it had been posted through a neighbour's letterbox. (Postie obviously getting revenge on me since I reported him for being careless and squashing my pontentillas.)

Aye up, listen girls, this is quite exciting. The envelope looked very official, and I ripped it open in anticipation.

Dear Miss Dollytub,

RE: "Tena Lady (Super Absorbent) Pads"

Over the last few days the sales of the above product have reached an astronomical record high.

A spokesman for Sainsbury's said their stores had not been so busy since Jamie Oliver was on telly showing housewives what he could do with his sausage.

I decided to round up my lackies, to investigate the matter further. (I even had to contact Bill Scroat who was on honeymoon and had him pulled out at the very last minute!)

After a meeting with our industrial intelligence/tea making department, (a.k.a. Nellie and Flo,) it has come to my notice that this is due entirely due to your postings on Blogspot.

As a token of our appreciation, we would like to offer you FREE Tena (Super Absorbent) Pads for rest of you natural days.

If , at anytime in the future, you are looking for a financial sponsor to pay your gigantic phone/broadband bills, we would be grateful if you would give us first refusal.

Must dash, Nellie and Flo have now returned with the tea wagon.

Yours sincerely,

Major Wettam

CEO Tena Lady Inc

What do ya think of that then? Am I famous now, would you like my autograph?
Anyway, as you can see from today's pic, my hair looks ok now I've put a few curlers in.
I was really bored this afternoon, kicking my heels, wondering what to do with myself. Sweet old Mr D (God Rest His Soul) wouldn't like me to be moping about, so I was looking for something to amuse me.
One of his belongings I still have is his trusty old guitar. He was a brilliant guitarist and completely self taught. How hard can it be? (Bl**dy hard actually!)
Luckily I kept his music books too. There was one called "How to Get on Top of the Pops with only Three Chords".
That'll do me, I thought. Three hours, two beers and four hand rolled fags later, I was ready!
What to sing first................................
After a good look through the manuscripts I finally decided on............
1) Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
2)I've Never Seen a Straight Banana
3)The Night We Did the Boom Boom by the Sea
along with a couple of other well known songs
I was just beginning the final chorus of "Oh Come Spread Your Jam on me Flip Flops", when there was a knock on the door.
TO BE CONTINUED................................

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Fun and Frolics at Audrey's Party

I tell this tale in the hope that it will give you some idea of my family's ethos and culture. (Oooooh, don't I sound edukated today?)

The family Saturday Brunch takes place almost every weekend at my parent's house and is otherwise known as "Audrey's Party" (Audrey is Mumsie's name) . It is a source of joy and merriment. Their home is a haven of peace and tranqillity (but only when us lot aren't there.) We support each other in times of crisis and despondancy, we cheer each other up, we lend each other money, (Did I just hear a violin?) But for all that, we do love a good laugh at the expense of another family member.

So, following yesterday's crisis with my hairstyle, and the hairdresser being on honeymoon - I was not looking forward to facing the loopy loons this morning.

Oi! you there at the back sniggering. Stop it immediately!

I'll continue now if you've stopped giggling, you ingrates!

I purposely went later than usual. I had hoped that some of the Smart Mouths had already had their fill of cheese baps and wagon wheels and gone home.
No such luck!

DAD :"Ha ha ha! Do you want to take your hat off?"
(Why did I ever tell them about my dental trauma? see previous post)

ELDEST SON:"Who did this to you? Do you want me to beat them up?"

ICKLE DITDER:"Would you like to borrow my pashmina, it's got a hood? Ha ha ha!"

ME:"OK! OK! IT'S NOT FUNNY" I squeal into my mansize Kleenex. I continue through my sobs "YOU'RE NOT BIG AND YOU'RE NOT CLEVER"..........(That was a fib actually 'cos my eldest son is both!)

The nearest I got to any sympathy was when Mumsie cooed, : "Oh you poor dear would you like to hide in Dad's shed?"

DADDIO: "Steady on there, Manageress" (his pet name for Mum). "She can't go in there. The finches are nesting and the red factor canaries are still settling in."

BROTHER NUT: Now then Our Susie, buck up. It's not like a whacky hairstyle will harm your youthful good looks, that already happened years ago."

This is supposed to make me feel better?

He continued "I've always thought you such a plucky old girl. You're brave - you open letters from your Bank Manager, and perform other such daring deeds. You open the door to Jehovah's Witnesses and don't hide behind the sofa with the rest of us."

ICKLE DITDER: Would you feel better if you had a cuppa tea?

ME: (Wiping me nose on Mumsie's pinny,)Yeah that'd be great!

ICKLE DITDER: Oh well, in that case, I'll have one if you're making a brew.


ELDEST SON: Go on then, you twisted me arm.

DADDIO: Did I hear someone's put the kettle on - I'm parched.

I'm standing in the corner where we make the tea, I have my back to them. Do they really think I can't hear them softly whistling "Send in the Clowns".

Friday, April 24, 2009

The First Cut is the Deepest

Good Afternoon my dear Bloggeroos. Can you help?
I'm looking for a dress, same style as the one above, I have a very good reason for wanting a garment with only one shoulder strap.

READ ON..............

When my hair gets to a certain length, it begins to misbehave. Doesn't look too bad on my profile pic. does it? That's because before the profile pic was taken, I'd "Done" my hair.

How do I accomplish this enormous feat of engineering?.................

Picture this if you will............. (Effects - fuzzy flashback sequence and Watch with Mother theme tune playing quietly in the background.) OMG! that memory was soooo scary. (Nips upstairs for a Valium)

Now, where was I going with this tale of woe? Oh yes, doing me 'air...............

Ever since I was 8 years old I have suffered from claustrophobia. This came on when my Ickle Didter* aged 3 locked me in a wardrobe. A story for another day, p'raps.

(*I had a speech impediment back then, read "Little Sister")

Because of my issues with enclosed spaces, I hate showers. Particularly any that have such a pathetic water flow, you have to run around under it to get wet. (I'm waffling again, aren't I?)

To avoid a panic attack, I wash my hair hanging upside down like a bat, leaning over the tub. (No. I can't kneel down. The side of the bath is too high.) I have very thick hair so this operation takes about 20 minutes. Because of my back, I then rise up slowly whilst at the same time, I walk backwards, right hand stretched behind me until I reach the loo and can plonk myself down. (Effects - beep beep beep wide load reversing.) I then sit there rubbing my back neck and legs saying "Oh dear me, that is a little sore" or a similar utterance. After a while my blood circulation is restored enough for me to stand.

Then comes the drying, (Oh Deep Joy!) I then spend a full hour trying to coax my barnet with my "Professional Style" straighteners. See profile pic for results. Since the pic was taken my hair had grown about 2 inches by this morning. I just couldn't be XarsX bothered to waste another hour of my life, so I thought I would let it dry naturally. BIG MISTAKE! Horror of Horrors it looked like this........

The last time I actually went out with it like this, was on a visit to the Dentist and he asked me if I would like to take my hat off, bloomin' cheek!
I suppose I should have gone to the hairdressers - but I've already told her where I'm going on holiday. so I decided to CUT IT MYSELF, I can hear your groans from here, but it really did seem like a good idea at the time.

Soooooo..................First I wet it, taped it straight with masking tape and picked up my very best wallpapering scissors. You're groaning again, aren't you?

Obviously I didn't want to get stray hairs on my Versace gown, so stood in front of the mirror in my Janet Reger underwear. Soooo, anyway - those scissors were damn sharp, and I must admit maybe I could have been more careful chopping of the locks near my left shoulder. So now........

Not only does my hair look a piggin' mess but...............

I've only one strap left on my very best bra!

Turned Out Nice Again!


DOLLY: That sister-in-law of yours, Mary is definitely getting worse!

ME: What's she said now?

DOLLY: Remember that slow cooker she bought?

ME: Yeah......

DOLLY: Well she took it back to Curry's because she read on the instructions that it takes ages to cook anything in it.

ME: (Groaning in desperation) Dozy woman! Did she get a refund?

DOLLY: No, she said they exchanged it for a George FORMBY Grill.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

More Laundry Tips & A Fridge Too Far

Following on from yesterday's laundry tips..........................

TIP 3. After separating the light stuff from the dark stuff, check all pockets for loose change. Put one lot of washing in the machine, switch on and then go off to Bingo with the money you've found. (Please note: As far as I know Gala Bingo does not accept paper clips, bits of string or conkers.)

TIP 4. Always have a third pile of laundry. This will consist of those awful Hawaiin print shirts Hubby insists on wearing, your teenage sons t-shirts with very rude slogans on, and any far-too-revealing, skimpy tops that belong to any daughter under the age of 21. Wash these altogether on VERY HOT. This renders the offending garments completely unwearable with a bit of luck. If any item has not been ruined, repeat the process. Practice your look of apologetic horror in front of the mirror during the spin cycle.


Before opening the fridge door, make sure you have an old floorcloth handy in case of any escaping fluids. (I do this ever since a particular day last Summer, when........ No, I won't go into the gorey details, but suffice to say my toenails have still not grown back!)

Once the fridge door is open, remove and discard any item growing fur, and also any milk cartons whose contents are no longer moving about.

Just a short note here about brown slime, this will be found in the salad drawer. This was once a lettuce - it is no longer fresh. (This is confirmed by distinct lack of the colour green or anything remotely resembling a leaf.)

It is at this point that I check any cans of lager, bottles of "Snowballs" etc. To make sure that the fridge is working correctly and keeping drinks cold enough drink at least one of the cans/bottles. Sometimes even after trying a can or two, I still need to satisfy myself that any drink my family needs is the correct temperature. (It's an awful job, but someone has to do it!)

You don't need to check orange juice. Your children will quaff this straight from the carton and swallow it so quickly, they won't know if it's cold or not.

Now you know what needs replacing from the supermarket. Don't forget to replace the beer and snowballs. Don't forget to take your own carrier bags. This not only earns you extra loyalty points, but if you use nice thick carriers, the neighbours won't be able to count how many beers you've bought. Right then, off you go................................

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Life's Too Short to Stuff a Mushroom

In 1977, I chanced upon a book called "Superwoman". I grabbed it to read as I was sure this was just the thing to ensure my rite of passage to becoming the "Domestic Goddess" I so believed I was underneath. (How wrong can a girl be?)

Anyway, the book was written by Lady Shirley Conran (ex wife to Terrance Conran of Habitat fame.)

I thought it was my sort of book, when on the first page was the phrase, "Life's Too Short To Stuff a Mushroom." I'm with you there, Shirl!

To be honest, I'm afraid my understanding of domesticity flew out the window as I read further into the book. "How to Serve Melon Balls". I didn't know Melons had any b..........., Oh! Hang on a minute, aaah I think I've got it now. (32 years later, okay so I'm not a quick learner!)

To be fair to myself, I was very naive and immature. (I was still writing problem letters to Cathie and Claire in "Jackie" magazine.)

Over the years as our family grew, with the assistance of several bottles of Cinzano, I decided to write my own Hints, Cheats and Tips for those of us who could be referred to as a "Reluctant Housewife."

Of course, as with many projects in my life , this never got much further than a few scribbled notes on the back of several fag packets. (Note to self....where DID I put the Blue Peter instructions so I can finish my "Sindy Bedroom?) But as I have recently been clearing the loft and have now found them - it seems a shame that I shouldn't share my ramblings...............

TIP ONE. Unless you are a bride, never buy any items of white clothing. (They won't be white for long.)

TIP TWO. Site your tumble dryer either at one end of a very long room, or at the end of a hallway. This will mean you can forego the ironing by lining up your family somewhere near the tumble dryer. Put each family member's clean dry clothing in turn in the dryer for a few minutes. Take out said clothing whilst they are still hot. (The clothing not the family member.) Each person in turn, pops on their outfit and run around briskly, fastening buttons and zips as they go.

WARNING - Be especially careful with any metal fasteners. (One time, my ex hubby didn't use sufficient care with the 6 metal buttons on his denim shirt. Later on, when the children were in bed, he removed his shirt, I fetched a pen and we played "Join the Dots".)
Don't forget to pop back for more helpful hints, including "A Fridge Too Far", "A Stitch in Time" "Porridge Fondue" to name but a few.
Do you have any such useful tips you would like to share?
Thank you to all those lovely Bloggeroos who have left comments or sent emails of encouragement about losing my "Blog Virginity". Can I say that on here?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

About My 1950's Friends

No, Dear Bloggeroos, I don't mean you!

I'm talking about my Hard Plastic friends. Meet Ruby, this cute little doll is a Smiley Roddy Doll, she was in a very sorry and naked state when she arrived at Dollytub Cottage. After some TLC I made her the little dress and knickers she is wearing to cover up her "underneaths", (the TART!)

After several unsuccessful photographic attempts with my idiot-proof camera, (sigh! )I managed to capture her beauty!

Ruby hung around on ebay a while ago and has now emigrated to Australia. (Do you know - there's been no letter, no calls, no postcards, ungrateful little madam!)

I have a huge collection of 1950's dolls, but I'm having a break from selling on ebay at the moment. So I'm really enjoying their company for a while.

If any Bloggeroo has any vintage dolls they would like me to identify for them, please let me know!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Welcome to Dollytub Cottage!

Well, I've been thinking of writing a blog for a few months now, so here goes.................

I can't believe what a lucky week I've had with my Charity Shop finds and other bargains. Here's a list - Laura Ashley Book, 3 Vintage pillowcases, small round box, medium sized hat box, large hat box (TK Max £4), Pink pressed glass fruit set, oak occasional table, Tablecloth, Pink flower picture,and 14 large pieces of "felt". (More on this in a moment) Believe it or not, the grand total was £18.69! (I also bought a gorgeous enamel jug from Asda's for £3, but forgot to put it in the picture.)

So, about the felt...................

I went to the Pound Shop (everything costs a £1). I bought a bundle of 14 cleaning cloths, but when I got home I realised that they were exactly the same texture and thickness of felt. I usually pay 59p for a piece 8ins x 8ins, so this was indeed a saving. The two flowers in the pic have been made with one of the cloths.

You will see a picture of my dear friend, "Dolly Dishmop". When us kids were little we made these cute little dolls as Christmas presents for our aunties. To make one you will need a vintage style washing up mop, a rolled up dishcloth (for the arms), some gingham for her turban and blouse, something to use as her apron. Her skirt is made from a full sized blue gingham tea towel. You will also need thread for her face and hair bows and a couple of black buttons for her eyes. These dolls were made to be used, and I think the idea probably came from Woman's Weekly, or Woman's Realm.

This particular dolly is a very special one though - she actually talks to me and really makes me laugh! (I first noticed she could talk around the same time as my Doctor changed my medication.)

So, all together now..................................................


Me: Hello Dolly Dishmop. Have you spoken to my sister-in-law Mary today?

Dolly: Yes, I have. I showed her the guest room that you've just decorated. I told her that you are going to buy a new bed for it. As it's a small room, Mary has suggested that instead of a divan you buy a CROUTON!