* I acquired this nickname from my fellow shoppers in the Co-op, who think I'm "stuck up" ever since I went in to top up my "Lecky" (Electric top up card) whilst wearing a fur coat. Old Chivers my Valet had forgotten to collect my Pound Shop Pack-a-Mack from the Dry Cleaners.
ELDEST SON: Not really Duchess, have you got something a bit bigger?
ME: This one then?
ELDEST SON: Errr, No.
ME: I'm not going to find anything giving me more cover than this.
ELDEST SON: Stand back, let ME have a look in your Prada Trolley suitcase. AhA! just the thing - There you go sweet Mother of mine - perfect!
ME: You can be so cruel sometimes, d'yer know that! I've a good mind to change my Last Will and Testament and leave my prized collection of celebrity toe nail clippings to someone who'll appreciate them. Like your brother.
ELDEST SON: (With absolutely no emotion in his voice whatsoever) Oh dear how sad I'll never get over it.