You made your bed - now lie in it...............

I bet you didn't know that there have been times in my life when I have shown enormous physical strength.

(Now I know my BFF Carol and my Ickle Ditder Mandy read my blog, so you two -------STOP LAUGHING, IT'S TRUE!)

My late partner, Liam lived in his own house round the corner from mine. (Although we were a couple for 8 years, we could never decide whose house was best!)

We saw each other every day, his first visit here was usually around mid morning.

To be honest, neither of us had full physical abilities, so we would help each other with various chores. Both of us had good days and bad days, so sometimes jobs would wait 'til we were both having a good day.

I had been wanting to move my bed to clean beneath it for a couple of weeks. It's a double bed, with drawer space in the base.

One morning, I decided to start the job in the hope that Liam was having a good day by the time he arrived. I tried to move it myself, but it was too difficult for me to push.

LIAM: (as he came in the front door.) Where are you, Swamp?

ME: I'm up here! Come 'ere I want you.

LIAM: (chuckling) What for, is it my birthday?

ME: Look, just get yer arse up here, will you?

He ran up the stairs two at a time, remembering the time that I went up in the loft, accidentally kicked the ladder over, and got stuck up there for 2 hours!

When he got upstairs I was standing by my bed,waiting expectantly.

LIAM: Oh, so it IS my birthday.

ME: No, I need a hand.

He gave me a round of applause.

ME: Very funny. Can you help me to move the bed? I want to clean under it. I can't push it on my own.

LIAM: Can we do it later? My shoulder's giving me hell today.(I pulled a face). Is it just the bed that needs moving? It can't be that heavy.

ME: Well it is. The storage drawers are full of books.

LIAM: Take the books out then you daft 'apporth! I'll go down and put the kettle on.

How daft - I'd not thought of taking out the books!

I took out all the books. I gave the bed a push..............

Hurrah! I managed to move the bed.

Just as I was about to turn on the vacuum cleaner, Liam appeared at the door with my coffee.

He started laughing. He was laughing so much, he had to quickly plonk down the coffee, and he was squatting down on his haunches, wiping away the tears from his eyes with the heel of his hand.

LIAM: Do you know what, Swampy? I've said it before, and I'll say it again................. Sometimes I think that you're not quite right in the head!

I had no idea why he was laughing. I looked around me. It was then that I realised all of the books I had taken out of the drawers in the bed base were now sitting on top of the bed!

For more funny stories about Liam and Me, you may also like these posts...........

Laughter is the Best Medicine and Any Old Iron? but for the daftest tales of all see......

I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours Part One

and

I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours Part Two

Be warned..........you may need your Tena Lady!

Unlucky in Love............

Go get yourself a cup of tea, a biscuit or three and a Tena Lady, and I will tell you the story of my quest to find True Love!

I was married for 19 years to a wonderful man - the father of my my two sons.

We remain on friendly terms, and I don't think either of us wish we had never married.

Apart from my marriage and my 8 year relationship with my late partner - I have been very unlucky in love..............

Firstly, there was Bob, he was a builder

A great bloke, but he never turned up on the day he said he would, and kept nipping off to see someone else.

Then there was Boris, the Optician............

I couldn't "see" that going anywhere.

Next, there was Pat the Postman................

I only saw him once.

After our first date, every time he arranged to pick me up - he kept going to the wrong address.

Not to mention all that cat hair!

Steve, the Bookmaker, was the next man to drift into my life...................

All he ever did was take my money off me!

Then there was John, the Jeweller.....................

He was always promising to "give me a ring" - and never did.

Jeremy, the Vicar seemed promising at first...............

- but all that time on my knees?

I then met Justin. Justin was an explorer. We didn't see each other very much.

First he went off to the North Pole.

Then he joined an expedition to the South Pole.............

I decided not to pursue this relationship...................

I'd heard he was BI-POLAR!

The chap I met most recently was Gordon, the Newsagent.

But I'm now having second thoughts about him...........

Surely it's not normal to spend all that time surrounded by 13 year old boys?

For my previous tales of woe see

Romeo, Romeo and Farewell my Lovely.

My Favourite Beauty Products & Corners of my Home

TENA LADY EXTRA - PROUD SPONSORS OF DOLLYTUB COTTAGE

First of all, before I continue with the usual ramblings of a post menopausal nutcase, I would just like to thank you all.

I am absolutely over the moon at recent developments.

You may remember last year before I took my protracted blogging break, that I was in the process of securing sponsorship for my blog from Major Wettam, CEO of Tena Lady Inc.

Tena have now agreed to sponsor Dollytub Cottage blog by paying my extravagant broadband bills.

This is all down to you my weak bladdered little bloggeroos for reading my posts. Once more Tena Lady Inc. have seen an increase in sales over the last few weeks as my kind followers have thrown caution to the wind, and laughed unashamedly at my recent antics.

I cannot thank you enough.

So..................er, what was I going to talk about today? Oh yes, I remember......

Following my post "What's in my Handbag", I have had numerous requests to write a post on my favourite beauty products, or a corner of my home.

In a bid for energy conservation, (namely mine,) I have decided to write a post that will cover both topics.

Where is my favourite place to pamper myself?

Well, like most ladies, I choose the bathroom.

I haven't always used the bathroom for this, but I've not been across the other side of my bedroom for ages so I can't quite get to the dressing table.

So, here we are in my bathroom, excuse the bath, but like all good Northern Lasses, I have been keeping the coal in it.

Excuse the shower too, but I have got a new one somewhere.

I prefer a large sink, well there's so much of me to wash!

Oh look, there's my new shower too!

There is a toilet in here, but this is just for visitors.

I just love fresh air so I use the outside loo................

And of course, no outside loo is complete without.......................

Paper!

If you think that looks a bit draughty - you should see where the bidet is sited!

Here are some of my beauty and make up products.........

Toothbrush, this one is fantastic - it doubles as a washing up brush

I get through a lot of toothpaste - I've got a big mouth. (I bet that's not much of a surprise!)

It's a bit awkward for my nephew though............

Those of you who are around my age will have noticed that the older we get, the more important flossing is.

Sadly, with all my medication, I have very large spaces between my teeth

Still - it's supposed to be lucky isn't it?

Last of all in my dental arsenal, industrial strength mouthwash........

Yummmmmmmmmmmmm! My favourite.

(Since I've been using this brand, I've not suffered with ear wax either!)

Now I start with my face............

I refuse to use any moisturiser that isn't 100% Pure

Then my anti ageing product. This one comes with free applicator..................

If it's good enough for Andie, it's good enough for me!

Now onto my hair products...............

Shampoo....

This brand is great, it doubles up as a Nail Varnish Remover. (And you know how much I love my multi-action products, don't you?)

Conditioner next..............

This really tames my flyaway hair. It also covers the grey hairs. How neat is that?!

Every couple of weeks or so, my friend Winalot Wanda pops round to give me a light perm.......

(You may remember my mention of Wanda before. She earned her Winalot nickname not because she wins competitions, but because..........................er, quite frankly, she's a bit of a dog!)

It's called a 'light' perm because the rollers hook up to the bathroom light fitting.

(Sorry I look so miserable in the pic, but Wanda has just eaten my last two wagon wheels.)

A dab of my favourite "Lippy".............

And I'm ready for the World.

But..............

Is the World ready for me, I wonder?

P.S. Some of my newer followers have asked how Legover Linda got her nickname. She earned this title when we were all about 17 years old. She carried with her a very large capacious handbag. Inside she had an inflatable mattress. This inflated within 60 seconds and came in handy if she got "lucky."

When I do my next post, I will include my award from coco loves vintage

and a pic of my beautiful Lavender Heart from Sal

Where There's a Will There's a Way

Before I share with you the trials and tribulations I'm currently experiencing, I would just like to mention.................................





You may remember the last time I was on here that I ran off full of hopeful expectancy to greet my lover. Sad to say, Mr David Tennant was not a-rapping at my door. The clatter I heard was the sound of a very large iceberg detaching itself from the top of the freezer.

OH WOE IS ME, WOE IS ME!

Thank goodness you are there, girls. I needed something to cheer me up, and once again, you haven't let me down.




Many thanks for kind comments and emails.

Here are a few.................

FROM TENA LADY.......

"Well Done, Sue! I can't believe that we've had another bumper week of record sales. Keep up the good work. Kind regards, Major Wettam CEO Tena Lady inc.

P.S. Our Quality Control Dept. were horrified to read that some of your blog readers are having to resort to a mop & bucket. Would you suggest to them that they may need our industrial range of products. (Alternatively, Poundland are selling 2 string mop heads for £1.)"

FROM MY BEST FRIEND......

Oh dear, Sue - Have you gone completely mad?

FROM MY 2ND BEST FRIEND........

Have you forgotten to take your pills?

FROM LINDA, EX BEST FRIEND........


"I can't believe you told the whole www about my previous identity. Now I remember why I'm your Ex BF.





Leave me alone, or I'll tell the whole world about how you boast about "Working in Brussels" in 1973, as if you worked Overseas. I know for a fact that what you were actually doing was working in a barn for "Bird's Eye", trimmimg the brussel sprouts from their stalks with a potato knife.





Regards

Mrs Got-it-All (Formerly Leg over Linda)"

FROM ELDEST SON:




How many tablets are you on now?


P.S. I've popped something in the post for you.




FROM YOUNGEST SON:





Duchess is it true that you're changing your Will so that I inherit your prized collection of celebrity toenail clippings?





Mum, you are sooooooo cool!

P.S.I've popped something in the post for you.

P.P.S. How many tablets are you on now?

My two favourite sons (in fact my only sons.)

They're so hilarious.

In the post this morning I received TWO copies of this

Don't forget to pop back tomorrow, I have a Tutorial for you.