Sunday, May 2, 2010

Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou?................

As most of you know by now, I have been on my own for the past eighteen months, since my partner died.

Those close to me have begun to suggest that it might be time for me to find a bit of romance,(after all I'm not getting any younger!)

Maybe I do need a man. I suppose it would make sense..............

I have wants,

I have needs,

I have a barbecue that needs lighting,

................and ceilings that need a coat of paint.

So, I decided to do a bit of research on online dating.

Well! You just would not believe how many dating sites there are.

I joined a couple - obviously just for research purposes ;O)

I decided on a username, "desperateoflincoln".

I logged in and thought the best place to get some hints and tips would be on the chat boards.

Gosh! The girls on there were terribly helpful.

For anyone else who is thinking of giving online dating a try, I would like to pass on our observations.................................

The text in bold is what blokes have written in their profiles. I have translated them for you.

Good sense of humour - laughs his head off at you when you snap your high heel in a drain cover.

Solvent - saves all his Sainsbury's points from buying beer.............

then spends his saved points on............

....more beer!

Independent - able to tie his own shoelaces. (With supervision.)

Sensitive - sulks when you comment on his beer drinking/swearing/bathroom habits.

Likes quiet nights in - either he's broke or a cheapskate.

Likes walks in the country - either he's broke or a cheapskate.(Yes, I DID mean to repeat myself!)

Looking for a soul mate who will be in tune with my needs - wants someone who'll notice when the fridge is getting empty

............and the laundry basket's getting full.

Loves motorbikes - able to make a quick getaway when it's his turn to buy a round of drinks.

Romantic and loves loads of cuddles - likes a quick grope in the back seat of his car.

Tactile - likes to squeeze his blackheads and plucks your bra strap in public.

Loves fresh air - has the windows wide open because of his stinky feet.

Music lover - can fart in tune to "God Save the Queen"

I think I'd rather buy some firelighters (for the barbecue,) and an extension for my paint roller (for the ceilings)

My wants and needs?

P'raps I should get myself a cat...............

P.S. I have received this lovely award from Debbie at Vintage Wants and Needs

Thanks, Debbie!

P.P.S. I will be absent from Blogland for a little while.
There are more repairs to be done here at Dollytub Cottage, and in order to avoid the chaos - I've got luggage to pack, trains to catch, and sandcastles to build.
But best of all - grandchildren to hug!

I'll be back with more tales before you know it!


winnibriggs said...

Well now I can see through my glasses (My eyes were streaming so much while I laughed and snorted through that)I can truly say you are a woman of taste! These dating sites alarm me a bit, but I don't think we need worry about you...perhaps your prospective dates?
Have a wonderful break, enjoy the grandchildren and come back soon.

VintageVicki said...

Oh so true - we all know what men say & what they mean are 2 different things.

Have a great time with your grandchildren :)

Menopausal musing said...

Another wonderfully funny piece of writing. Enjoy those grandchildren!

KC'sCourt! said...

Enjoy those grandchildren

brightandnew said...

So very true! *laughing*

Have a good time with the grandchildren :o)

Kelly said...

True!!! This made me giggle!

karen said...

If you do decide to find yourself a man, then he will be a very lucky guy!!xxxxxxxx You have a fabulous sense of humourxxxx

Autumn Mist said...

Enjoy the grandchildren, but don't stay away too long, your country needs you!

Lalabibaby said...

Hilarious Sue .... a definite Tena moment and personally I couldn't be asked with another one (bloke that is). You go squeeze them grands and have a lovely time. Come back soon x

angel said...

My goodness, i was pi... tena momenting it here, your so funny, gosh i have sooooo missed you.
have a great time with the grands. :)

Ps keep your hand on ya penny, no bloke is gunna be worth taking it off.... :)

VintageWantsNotNeeds said...

Have a great time with your grand babies and come back and make us laugh soon.

bad penny said...

He He I will warn two friends on the internet dating scene of this ! Beware men you meet on the internet who talk you into lending them 800 quid for a car & still haven't paid it back !