Excuse my whispering won't you - I'm in hiding.
Have you ever wondered, do only funny things happen to me? Or is it my medication making me think that everything's funny?
I bet you're wondering why I'm here hiding quietly behind me old Northern Upholstery sofa aren't you?
Hang on a sec - let me just have a quick look to see if they're gone.
ALL CLEAR! ALL CLEAR!
Goodness me! This is no way for a fifty-something Granny to behave.
Oh my God! I feel nearly as guilty as when I accidentally let my Library book become overdue!
Oh the shame!
Oh the humiliation!
(Good grief - I can be such a Drama Queen!)
Hang on a sec, I've left me "baccy" tin near the net curtain. I just need to do my Lara Croft bit (rolls deftly across the tufted Wilton grabbing my ciggies off the window sill.)
Crikey! I can hardly stop my hands shaking!
What a night I've had. (Oooh, I've not said that for a long time ;O)
Well, it started off just like any other evening; I cooked me tea, trimmed me bush and counted me money (again!)
Usual boring stuff.
We've had such beautiful sunny weather today, but you know how it is - the sunshine shows up all the dust and dirt you may have missed. I noticed that my large vintage Mickey Mouse print needed a good clean.
I took it off the wall and fetched the Mr Sheen.
I cleaned it.
I cleaned it again.
Then I realised that two of the marks were on the inside.
It was in one of those clippy frame things, so easy to open it up.
I laid it all out on the rug and began to clean it.
How could I have been so stupid?
Because the rug is so springy..............................................
Yes! I know I should have had more sense - but I honestly thought it was made of perspex.
"Well, flippin' 'eck!" I said to myself, (or something similar.)
I ran into the kitchen and got my rubber gloves, some kitchen towel, and a Sainsbury's bag.
I quickly cleaned up the broken glass and put the bag by the front door ready to go out to the bin. (My bins are at the side of the house.)
I went to put my gloves away, and spotted my Country Living mag. on the dining room table.
Forgetting all about the rubbish bag, I sat down for a good long read with me cocoa and a couple of Wagon Wheels.
Before long, I'd nodded off, errrr.. finished my mag and cocoa. It must be bedtime I thought, unable to see the time on the clock as I wasn't wearing my 'distance specs'.
I went to check the front door was locked and realised that I hadn't taken out the Sainsbury's bag.
I popped me slippers on and walked out to the wheelie bin.
I lifted the lid on the recycling bin, and tossed in the bag.
In the split seconds that the bag was leaving my hand, all at the same time....................
I noticed how dark it was
I saw the lack of house lights
I realised that this HUGE bin had been emptied this afternoon
The noise was horrendous and sounded like loads of windows being broken.
As bedroom lights came on up and down the street, and dogs began barking, I crept back into my house.
The clock in the hall read
(Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself?)
"Surely, I wasn't dozing that long?"
I checked the living room clock - Yep, definitely 3.00 a.m.
I sat down and waited 'til the lights went out over the road and the dogs had stopped barking.
I looked out the window.
Guess what I saw driving slowly up the avenue?
DON'T TELL MUMSIE, WILL YER?