Farewell My Lovely.................

I was absolutely devastated to receive this letter in the post this morning.

I don't know how I can carry on. My heart is broken.

Dear Sue

I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, I have decided not to move in with you and we can no longer carry on seeing each other.

Over the last few months, our relationship has lost its spark.

I know you wanted to know who killed Archie, but watching Eastenders over my right shoulder quite put me off our lovemaking.

And was it really necessary to then prop your computer laptop on my back, and type over my head so that you could instant message your mates on face book and discuss who’d guessed right?

I think you’re sick and need professional help. Giving me a broken jaw just because I mentioned that your gravy wasn’t moving about very much is not a normal reaction.

This isn’t the first time you have resorted to violence, you watch too much Wrestling if you ask me.

I was only trying to be helpful when I suggested you join Weightwatchers.

It upset me to witness the look of embarrassment on your face when you got in the lift and the announcing voice said, “First Floor going up. Not you fatso, use the stairs!”

I hate to say this, but you’re also a slovenly cow. Trying to sleep in a bed filled with Wagon Wheel crumbs is one thing, but when I woke up this morning and looked over at you what I saw fair turned my stomach.

If you had finished eating the pizza last night, why didn’t you put the rest of it under the bed with the dust bunnies as you usually do?

Instead you just left it on your Tizer stained pillow.

Seeing a woman with a slice of pizza stuck to her face first thing in the morning is not a pretty sight!

Speaking of your appearance - I am returning your photo that I've had on my bedside table. I never told you this, but it gave me nightmares.

All of this has left me feeling so depressed, I feel like tossing myself off a bridge.

I want you to know that if I do decide to toss myself off, it will be your fault.

Yours as ever

David

What a horrible man. I hope he trips over the laces of his designer plimsolls!

To see my previous post about David Tennant see here