Easter Breakfast - Chickens are for Wimps!

I know many of my sweet bloggeroos keep hens to supply them with eggs.

I thought about getting some for myself, but as you girlies know by now, I'm never one to take the easy route.

I also like to think BIG.

This is one of the reasons that I decided to keep..........................

Ostriches!

A bit harder to look after, but the advantages far outway the disadvantages.

For instance...........

The shed feathers are useful for trimming your best hat (See pic above.)

Their eggs are large enough to feed the whole family.

(Recipe coming up!)

Their meat is lower in fat and cholesterol.

Do make sure the ostrich is actually dead if you're using it for meat, wont you?

Ostriches also come in useful when your car won't start or you miss the bus!

Family recipe for Boiled Ostrich Egg.

(Note to my long term bloggeroos, this is similar to the Porridge Fondue here )

You will need.............

A large cooking vessel

This is the same one I use for the porridge and also for boiling my smalls :O)

Fill with water and put on to boil. (You will probably have to do this about 5am - but it's soooo worth it!)

Also needed is a suitable receptacle......

I use one of my garden urns.

Don't forget a sharp knife to cut off the top of your egg.

If you don't have a knife sharp enough, your Arabian Sabre will do just as well.

Make sure you provide plenty of bread and butter.......

Boil the ostrich egg for approx 3 hours, or 2 hours if you like a runny yolk.

Set the table. You will need.......

the garden urn, this goes in the centre of the table

the bread & butter

large spoons, one for each family member

Large bibs for everyone..........

Now as you know, I can't be doing with all that 'separate plates' nonsense - far too much washing up!

Everyone stands around the table taking turns to dip their bread and butter.

STAND WELL BACK!

When all the yolk has gone, each takes a part of the white with their spoon.

The family member who eats the last piece does the washing up.

There you go - job sorted!

Sophie Dahl - eat your heart out!

I just hope one of my ostriches lays me an egg sometime soon, otherwise my family's gonna have to make do with some of my Coco Pops!

Hang on a minute, there's something going on in the garden...........

My, oh my Olivia, well done!!!!

We're All Sisters Under the Skin

Some of you will remember that I have a sister. Because I had a speech impediment when I was a child, I call her "Ickle Ditder" (Little Sister).

Obviously I'm "Big Ditder".

She always makes me laugh, she gets into nearly as many scrapes as me.

Last week, I won some lovely Lavender sachets from the talented Sal at Sal's Snippets do pop over to her blog, she also has an online shop

"These smell lovely Big Ditder. What are they for?" asked Ickle Ditder

"They make your knickers smell nice." I replied.

"Aaaww can I have one?" she pleaded.

"OK, then" I said grudgingly.

She just 'phoned me 10 minutes ago.............

"Hello Big Ditder. You were right. The lavender sachet does make my knickers smell nice, but........................

don't you find the lace chafes a bit?"

I hope she was joking! If not, it may explain her funny way of walking :O)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Speaking of sisters, this a TRUE story............

Kath is my sister-in-law, she married my brother Les a couple of years ago.

In their late 50's, this wasn't the first marriage for either of them. Les divorced years ago, Kath was a widow.

One day last week, Kath was standing waiting for the bus on her way home from work.

It was rush hour and the bus was late.

We're all a friendly lot in our family and she struck up a conversation with another lady, also waiting for the bus.

They were chatting away, they saw the bus coming,

but, as always in Lincoln during the rush hour, it was held up even further by the railway crossing.

The pair of them were getting on really well.

"Didn't you use to live at the top end of town?" asked the lady.

"Still do." Kath answered.

"I thought I knew your face, I used to see you and your husband in the Vine pub." continued the lady. "Your husband's name's Ray, isn't it?" she inquired.

At this point, the bus finally arrived at the bus stop.

Both of them got on and sat next to each other.

Kath carried on the conversation........

"Yes, Ray WAS my husband, but he died 5 years ago."

The lady gently touched her arm, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you on your own now?"

"No, I remarried" said Kath. "Funny thing you should mention the Vine Pub though. My husband Les used to be the landlord there in the early 90's. I bet you knew him too."

The lady had a stony look on her face, and said..................

"It just so happens that I was the landlady then - you're married to my ex-husband!"

The worst of it was, the bus was jam packed full, so the pair of them had to sit in icy silence until they reached the bus station.

My Favourite Beauty Products & Corners of my Home

TENA LADY EXTRA - PROUD SPONSORS OF DOLLYTUB COTTAGE

First of all, before I continue with the usual ramblings of a post menopausal nutcase, I would just like to thank you all.

I am absolutely over the moon at recent developments.

You may remember last year before I took my protracted blogging break, that I was in the process of securing sponsorship for my blog from Major Wettam, CEO of Tena Lady Inc.

Tena have now agreed to sponsor Dollytub Cottage blog by paying my extravagant broadband bills.

This is all down to you my weak bladdered little bloggeroos for reading my posts. Once more Tena Lady Inc. have seen an increase in sales over the last few weeks as my kind followers have thrown caution to the wind, and laughed unashamedly at my recent antics.

I cannot thank you enough.

So..................er, what was I going to talk about today? Oh yes, I remember......

Following my post "What's in my Handbag", I have had numerous requests to write a post on my favourite beauty products, or a corner of my home.

In a bid for energy conservation, (namely mine,) I have decided to write a post that will cover both topics.

Where is my favourite place to pamper myself?

Well, like most ladies, I choose the bathroom.

I haven't always used the bathroom for this, but I've not been across the other side of my bedroom for ages so I can't quite get to the dressing table.

So, here we are in my bathroom, excuse the bath, but like all good Northern Lasses, I have been keeping the coal in it.

Excuse the shower too, but I have got a new one somewhere.

I prefer a large sink, well there's so much of me to wash!

Oh look, there's my new shower too!

There is a toilet in here, but this is just for visitors.

I just love fresh air so I use the outside loo................

And of course, no outside loo is complete without.......................

Paper!

If you think that looks a bit draughty - you should see where the bidet is sited!

Here are some of my beauty and make up products.........

Toothbrush, this one is fantastic - it doubles as a washing up brush

I get through a lot of toothpaste - I've got a big mouth. (I bet that's not much of a surprise!)

It's a bit awkward for my nephew though............

Those of you who are around my age will have noticed that the older we get, the more important flossing is.

Sadly, with all my medication, I have very large spaces between my teeth

Still - it's supposed to be lucky isn't it?

Last of all in my dental arsenal, industrial strength mouthwash........

Yummmmmmmmmmmmm! My favourite.

(Since I've been using this brand, I've not suffered with ear wax either!)

Now I start with my face............

I refuse to use any moisturiser that isn't 100% Pure

Then my anti ageing product. This one comes with free applicator..................

If it's good enough for Andie, it's good enough for me!

Now onto my hair products...............

Shampoo....

This brand is great, it doubles up as a Nail Varnish Remover. (And you know how much I love my multi-action products, don't you?)

Conditioner next..............

This really tames my flyaway hair. It also covers the grey hairs. How neat is that?!

Every couple of weeks or so, my friend Winalot Wanda pops round to give me a light perm.......

(You may remember my mention of Wanda before. She earned her Winalot nickname not because she wins competitions, but because..........................er, quite frankly, she's a bit of a dog!)

It's called a 'light' perm because the rollers hook up to the bathroom light fitting.

(Sorry I look so miserable in the pic, but Wanda has just eaten my last two wagon wheels.)

A dab of my favourite "Lippy".............

And I'm ready for the World.

But..............

Is the World ready for me, I wonder?

P.S. Some of my newer followers have asked how Legover Linda got her nickname. She earned this title when we were all about 17 years old. She carried with her a very large capacious handbag. Inside she had an inflatable mattress. This inflated within 60 seconds and came in handy if she got "lucky."

When I do my next post, I will include my award from coco loves vintage

and a pic of my beautiful Lavender Heart from Sal

Confession is Good for the Soul

Well, I did something so surprising on Wednesday - I still can't believe I did it!

I've been carrying the thought of it around with me since it happened.

I've got up to some antics before, but nothing like this............

No matter how hard I tried today, I just couldn't stop mulling it over in my head.

This morning, I was still thinking about what I'd done as I was juggling my melons.

(I was just coming out of the Fruit and Veg Shop.) I spotted Father White going into his Church across the road.

"This must be a sign," I thought. "I must go and tell him what I've done."

As I went inside, I saw the Priest getting ready to take Confession.

There was no-one else in the Church, so I went in to the confessional box.

Father White heard me swish the curtain.

"Yes, my child?"

"I really don't know where to start," I said hurriedly.

"Take your time......." he told me.

I took a deep breath, "The thing is Father White, I had my wicked way with the Pizza delivery guy yesterday. He's only 20, and he stayed with me for hours."

Father White cleared his throat,

"Aren't you Liam's widow?" He asked. (He had performed Liam's funeral service.)

"That's right," I answered.

"But you're not Catholic are you?"

"No, I'm Church of England." I said.

He seemed a bit uncomfortable and asked

"So why are you telling me all this?"

He just didn't get it, did he?

So, I told him..................,

"But Father White, he's only 20 and I'm 54,

I'm not just telling YOU.........................

.................................

I'M TELLING EVERYBODY!"

Oooops! I'd better go, my pizza's here............

...........................

I'm not sure, but I think it's Buy One, Get One Free!

Pizza, anyone?

I'm Loving Angels Instead - Part Three

This is Part three of my quest to find a Handy Man following my advert placed in the newsagent's window.

Local Widow seeks Handy Man, must be fit

Apply in person to Dollytub Cottage

If you have read my two previous posts you will know by now that this has not been an easy task.

Surely there must be someone competent out there to clear my back passage and trim my bush here and there as required.

So far my search has not been fruitful, not to mention dis-heartening!

Yesterday there was a knock at the door, I peeped round my net curtain, as yer do, and saw a young man standing there.

He must have only been about 25, and a strapping example of one of Lincoln's Finest. I'd seen him a few times around the neighbourhood, most notably playing "sucky faces" with the young lasses outside the off-licence.

Well, thought I. This looks promising.

How wrong can a girl be?

"Hello missus," he beamed.

"Have you come about the card in the newsagents?" I asked.

"Yes missus."

Obviously not much of a talker, or maybe the girls outside the "Offy" have worn out his lips.

"Have you done anything like this before?" I enquired

"No missus."

(Are you getting as bored as me with this conversation?)

"Well, you certainly look fit for the job. Come in and we'll have a little chat."

"Right" he said as he came across the threshold. He didn't even bother with the "missus" this time.

I took him out to the back garden. I pointed up to the guttering,

"D'yer see up there, there some moss growing up there, so the rain is running down the wall?"

He had a quizzical look on his face,

"Yeah?"

I continued, "So the gutter needs clearing."

"Oh yeah, yeah," the penny's dropped he's nodding vigorously.

"Would you be able to do it?" I asked him.

He looked round behind him, then realised I was talking to him.

"What, missus - up there?"

"Yes, Ducky." I'm nodding now, thinking he's at last cottoned on.

He scratched his head "Up a ladder?"

"Well, yes. It's the only way."

"Aw sorry, missus. I don't fink I can do ladders. I gets dizzy, see?" he says.

(Quite a long sentence that time!)

"Never mind. I can probably ask the Window Cleaner to do that job."

(I don't know why I said that, the Window Cleaner doesn't do ladders either!)

Never mind, I thought. I'll show him my back passage.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I'm doing a bit of DIY, I'm a bit of a messy cow, err creature.

I'm not very good at clearing up the trail of devastation that I leave in my wake.

So I do tend to pile things up in my back passage.

"What needs doing here then?" he asked me.

Obviously he's a bit lacking in initiative. Never mind, I thought. I'll be here - I can supervise.

"All those tins of paint will need taking round to the front of the house and put in the rubbish skip. It's coming Tuesday."

He looked at me, apologetically, "I can't do paint. It's me dermatitis, see?"

"Oh well, never mind. I'll take them round myself. You can take that pile of rubble there, I've got a wheelbarrow."

As soon as the words left my mouth, the look on his face said it all.

"Don't you do wheelbarrows either?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, I do wheelbarrows." he answered.

Thank God, we're finally getting somewhere. I almost jumped up and down with delight.

(I really must get out more!)

My joy was short lived, however. He continued...............

"It's the rubble I won't be able to manage. I've got a bad back."

Good grief, this young chap's got more problems than I've got!

Maybe he can manage the gardening.

I don't know why I kept making excuses for him, and trying to find something he could do.

I decided to take him round to the front garden and show him my bush.

"Can you trim my bush?" I asked him.

"Sorry, missus. Plant allergy, hay fever and everyfink."

"So, you won't be able to mow the lawns either?" I don't know why I asked.

He shook his head.

I told him as gently as possible.......

"Well, I'm sorry, I really am, Ducky. I don't think you'll be any good to me."

He looked crestfallen.

"I don't think you're much of a Handy Man" I said.

"No?" he said.

"What makes you think you're handy?" I asked.

"Welllllllllllllll..................

I only live round the corner."

I suppose you don't get much handier than that.

(Oh the old ones are the best!)

I think I'll go round to the newsagent's tomorrow and ask Legover Linda to take that card out of the window.