If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake (with apologies to Miss Rosemary Clooney)

BEFORE YOU READ THIS TALE DON'T FORGET TO HAVE A GO IN MY COMPETITION TO WIN A CATH KIDSTON TESCO BAG ON MONDAY'S POSTING!

I would like to relate the first part of Tale of the Friendship Cake



(A.K.A. "The Quatermass Experiment of Mount Street")

(Effects - Fuzzy Flashback Scene, 1980's music playing quietly in the Background)

Yer know how there's a Celebrity "A" list and a Celebrity "B" list?

Well, have you ever noticed a similar phenonomen in the "Mums Who Gather at the School Gates" cliques?

(I have even heard these ladies referred to as the "Playground Mafia".)

And so it was, at my boys' infant school in 1986.

"A" List Mums - These were recognisable by.....................

Their orange skin (no tanning salons in Lincoln then)

Their perfectly applied make up and manicure

Rayban Sunglasses perched on top of their elegantly coiffured "Big Hair"

Huge shoulder pads. (Power dressing to intimidate us non "A" Listers)

Perfectly dressed children. (i.e. Their socks actually matched, would you believe it?)

Their kids were called Sebastian, Tristram, Nigel, Abigail, or Arabella

They had double barrelled surnames

Their hubbies were Merchant Bankers (Cockney rhyming Slang?)

They parked their 4X4's across 2 parking spaces

They attended every PTA meeting

They organised the Cake Stalls for the School Fund Raising events

I won't even bore you with the "B" listers, other than they were mainly aspiring "A" listers

but with bigger hair.

There were other cliques, of course, but I would barely reach the "F" list with my fluffy heel-trodden down carpet slippers, faded tabard pinny, and a roll-up ciggie stuck in me gob!

These women scared me, and I'm REALLY BRAVE!

( I'm even brave enough to use communal changing rooms at the local Swimming Pool.)

They would try to strike up a conversation with me, that started off,

"Sebastian's Violin Teacher said......." and then, after seeing me squirm with intimidation carried on

"Oh sorry, I forgot, your children only play the triangle and the marracas don't they?"

And so it was, that I made a decision to try to level things up a bit, and offer to make some cakes for the forthcoming "Bring and Buy Sale"

(Oh don't start groaning yet, you lot, cos there's worse to come)

My name is Sue, but these jumped up whatsernames always pronounced it

"Serr yue" to rhyme with DEW

"So then, Serr yue" says Felicity (Top Dog "A" Lister)

"are you going to make us something nice for the Cake Stall?"

She would do this to me every time.

Yer know - make me wriggle like a worm on the hook in front of everyone.

Then she would almost clap her hands in delight when I muttered, red faced, "I can't bake, sorry."

What these Ladies didn't know that my friend Maggie had promised to bake one for me in exchange for a packet of Mint Thins and a ride on my 1960's Space Hopper.

(What could possibly go wrong?)

(Now you can groan if you want to.)

And so it was that I, this intrepid explorer, found her way to Maggie's, on that side of our fair city, affectionately named ................

"It's Alright But I Wouldn't Want To Live There".

(Now that's a bit of a misnomer there, because it's where I live now - oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen!)

Most cities in our green and pleasant land have an area like the one where Maggie lived.

Recognisable by the local Police presence walking up and down the neighbourhood in packs.

These areas were also known as the place "Where the Kids bite the Dogs"

Of course, it's a VERY POSH area since I moved in, (Slow wink!)

I was sure that Maggie wouldn't let me down, and was hoping for something like this...........

or at the very least, this............

How was I to know that she was going on holiday..................

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW....................