More Fun and Frolics at Audrey's Party............

When we all go to my Mum and Dad's for our weekly Saturday Brunch, (otherwise referred to as "Audrey's Party") it tends to get a bit crowded.

There are 12 "regulars" Sometimes there are more of us if my youngest son and family, or my other niece and her family are in Lincoln for the weekend.

There are only two rooms downstairs, so the blokes sit in the Living Room, ladies in the Kitchen.

Tea and sandwiches flow freely, so luckily there are two toilets!

It's amazing how often Mandy, Kath and me turn up wearing the same colour top. Dad always make a quip like "Here they all come....................

The Beverley Sisters

or...........

Diana Ross and the Supremes

or even ...........

"Wilson Kepple and Betty" (see this funny link here)

One Saturday, Mandy and me were chatting in the garden, admiring the flowers...............

When I went back into the house I said

"There's a beautiful Camelia just under the window."

"Oooh where? Let me have a look." said Kath excitedly.

I took her outside and pointed to it.

"Where?" she asked.

"There look" I told her.

"I can't see it."

"Here look! Here!" I poked it impatiently with my finger.

Kath smiled and nodded her head,

"Ohhhh, CAMELIA!"

I was very puzzled, "What did you think I'd said?"

Kath went red in the face and answered,

"I thought you said 'CHAMELEON', aren't I daft?"

Yep, Kath - you are!

Attitude is a Little Thing That Makes a Big Difference.......

Quote by Winston Churchill

Hello my dear sweet bloggeroos, many thanks for your kind words on my previous post. Although it has been known for me to use artistic licence in my tales, (yeah, really!) the story of Mumsie and her crutch was 100% true!

Funny things do seem to happen to me more than the average human being. I don't know whether it's because my "chuckle muscle" is highly developed, or just that I'm crackers.

That's not for me to say - I'll leave that analysis to you!

Some of you know that I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS), and it's a right pain in the ar........, well actually - it's a pain everywhere!

It also affects energy levels causing fatigue. (See, you thought I was just being a lazy old so-and-so!)

Anyway, I'm wandering off the point again, aren't I? (Yes, FMS also causes 'fibro fog' a.k.a. foggy brain and fuzzy thinking. That's why my car keys sometimes end up in the fridge!)

Symptoms vary daily, so it's not always easy to do all the jobs that need doing, however...................

Two weeks ago, I was feeling quite well and my energy levels were higher than they'd been for ages.

Whooopppeeeee! I decided to redecorate my bedroom. Two of the walls were a very dark pink, much darker than they look in the picture; I found them depressing.

Here's the BEFORE pic.......

It's taking me absolutely ages - I do 20 minutes, have a rest, do another 20 minutes and so on.

The trouble is, when I'm feeling OK, I tend to forget to pace myself. I was always a very keen DIY-er, so I do get frustrated and rush to get the job done before my energy levels start to dip.

So far, after two weeks I've managed to complete JUST ONE WALL!

Pathetic, I know, but I will not let it beat me. (Even if I have to play Winston Churchill's speeches in the background to keep me motivated!)

Yesterday evening, I painted the skirting board and the fireplace. It got to 11.30pm and although I was very tired, I was determined to put the final coat of paint on, so that I can unroll the carpet back to where I should be.

OMG! When I got off up off the floor, I was so stiff, I was walking like "Galen" from Planet of the Apes!

This morning, the same as every Saturday, I was going to Mum and Dad's for the weekly family lunch.

We always have such fun - see my post from last year, Fun & Frolics at Audrey's Party here

After lunch, before I left "uphill" , (the posh part of Lincoln - I live "downhill", say no more, ahem!) I went to the parade of shops near Mum's to buy some Epsom Salts, as I'd read on the internet that they are fantastic for sore muscles.

It's one of those shops that sells everything - gardening stuff, household cleaning products, vitamins, hair care etc. (I bet there's one near you!)

ME: Do you have any Epsom Salts, please?

ASSISTANT: No, I'm sorry, we've sold out. Did you want some for the garden?

ME: Errr, no, why?

ASSISTANT: People use them in their soil to alter the acidity.

ME: Fancy, I didn't know that!

ASSISTANT: What did you want them for, then?

ME: I've been decorating, and they're supposed to be good for sore muscles.

ASSISTANT: Well, I hope you know what you're doing. A friend of mine told me to use them when I hurt my knee. They give you the sh*ts!

ME: Err, what from putting them in your bath water?

ASSISTANT: Oh my God! I took them in a glass of water. No wonder my knee still hurts.

We both giggled.

ME: I write a blog, you DO know you're going to be in it today, don't you?

ASSISTANT: (Covering her name badge) You won't put my name in will you?

ME: I might!

So Wendy.................

You're a MUPPET!

The Day Mumsie Didn't Have a Leg to Stand On!

Hello my dear Bloggeroos, today I have a lovely tale about my dear old Mumsie.

My Mum is one of those wonderful people who says something so hysterical without realising it.

Here's an example from when we we were kids getting loud at the Dinner table,

"Shut your mouths and eat your dinner!"

She is also very good at taking someone down "a peg or two"

See my previous post here The Rain In Spain Stays Mainly on the Plain

You may remember from another previous post here Anyone Who Had a Heart that a few years ago my Dad was in hospital following a triple by-pass operation.

So, I'll paint the scene............................

Daddio's operation was carried out at Leicester Hospital, approx 60 miles from where we live. There was a special B&B right next to the hospital where family members could stay, so Mum booked a room.

She booked a twin room and my sister, Mandy went with her, as, coincidentally Mumsie had also had an operation two weeks before and had had a replacement knee fitted. Mandy was there both to share the trauma of Dad's op and to be of practical help to Mum who was still on crutches.

The evening I went over from Lincoln to visit Dad following his op. it was chucking it down with rain.

I bumped into Mandy and Mum in the Car Park and the three of us walked into the Hospital arm in arm, trying to keep hold of Mumsie. Mandy and me were nervous of her falling over, as she was trying to be clever and manage on only ONE crutch.

Mindful of the fact that the highly polished floors could be slippery, Mandy said to Mum, quite sternly,

"Mum, wipe your crutch on the door mat!"

Mum was furious and retorted,

"What do you think I am? A bloody terrier!"

The three of us fell about laughing. We laughed so much we were crying and every time we stopped, we started giggling again each time we looked at each other.

Dad's ward was three doors down from the entrance, the Nurse was walking by his bed and asked, "Are your family coming this evening, Charlie?"

"Of course they are - can't you hear the rowdy devils! Here they come look, Curly, Larry, and Moe."

We were still giggling when we got to the ward, and he was eager to hear what we'd been up to. We told him that we would only tell him, if he held on firmly to his stitches, which he did.

"You three!" he said. "None of you are quite right in the head!"

I'm Hot Stuff - Don't ya know!

Gosh! Didn't we have scorching weather last week in the UK?

I don't remember sweating like that since I chased after the Mayor dressed as a Victorian Prostitute.

(It was the Mayor's Carnival, 1992, I'd fallen off the lorry, and had to chase it 300 yards up Lincoln High Street before the driver realised and stopped for me to get back on! Oh Happy Days!)

Where was I? errrr...... Oh yes, the weather last week.

It seemed no matter what I did I just couldn't cool down.

First of all, I stripped down to my underwear...........................

Nope - still didn't cool down.

And thirsty?..........................................I felt like I had a hedgehog on my tongue!

I grabbed a large bottle of Tropicana, and slurped the lot.

Nope! Still too hot!..........................

Then I had an idea................. I ran over to the freezer, lifted the lid, and plunged me arms almost down to the bottom.

I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and began to rub them all over my steaming body. At this moment, two things happened.........................

Firstly, the bag of peas split and tumbled all over the floor......................

and secondly, there was a tap on my shoulder..............................

There was a man standing there!.................................................

"Excuse me, Madam. But would please leave the store............NOW!"

I picked up my clothes of the shop floor and headed embarrassingly towards the exit.

There was a young lad about 12 years old, he picked up a handful of the frozen peas and ran after me.

He dropped the peas down the back of my (ginormous) knickers.

"What did you do that for?" I demanded,

He grinned cheekily, and said, "Well, Missus..................................

Back to shopping at Sainsbury's it is then!

Any Old Iron?

Many of you know that Liam, my late fella and I, had known each other for many years, long before we became partners in 2000.

We originally met as teenagers, and our paths had crossed many times over the 70's and 80's.

All the time I'd known him, he was always a bit of a "Del Boy"

(If you don't know who Del Boy was, please see here )

In the mid 80's on returning from working in the U.S.A. he trained to become a Driving Instructor.

I had decided to learn to drive, and was taking lessons with Liam. One day, my Mum and Dad were having a garage built, and I was up at their house lending a hand with sweeping up and making tea.

I 'phoned Liam and asked him to pick me up from their house for my driving lesson.

LIAM: What's going on at your Mum's?

ME: They're having a garage built at the bottom of the garden with a drive going out onto the lane that runs along the back.

LIAM: Has your Dad got any gates for his drive yet?

ME: No, but I know he wants some.

LIAM: I've got a pair of wrought iron ones. D'ya think he'd be interested? I want £35 for them, but being as it's for your Dad, I'd let him have them for £30.

I spoke to my Dad, £30 was a good price and he wanted the gates. We went down to Liam's to pick them up. Dad was well pleased, they were in fantastic condition. Liam also had a high single iron gate for sale too, Dad paid him £15 for it as he'd also been looking for something to put up at the side of the garage.

Over the years the gates have been painted a few times, but there still there doing a good job over 20 years later.

Since Liam died, whenever I'm in the company of those who knew him, there is always a story or two about how he always seemed to be able to make a few quid selling stuff on that he had acquired one way or another.

I've seen him spend £3 on three vinyl LP music albums at a Car Boot Sale on a Sunday morning, and come back from a vinyl record dealer on a Monday lunchtime with £30 quid that he'd just sold them for! He really knew his stuff.

Not long after Liam died, I was having a giggle with his brother-in-law, Tony, about Liam's money-spinning ideas.

Tony told me the following story.....................................

"Years ago, Liam was round here having a cup of coffee and my next door neighbour was having a new drive built, and replacing all of his wrought iron gates with wooden ones.

Liam went out and asked him if he could take the gates of the rubbish skip. He gave the neighbour £5 to 'buy himself a drink'.

Anyway, it turned out that one of his driving school pupil's Dad was looking for some gates."

I was beginning to realise that this story sounded a bit too familiar!

Tony then asked, "Guess what he sold them for?"

"£45 quid?" I suggested.

He nodded and then blushed with embarrassment, "Oh my God, it was you, wasn't it?" he asked.

Even though Liam is no longer with us, even now, he's still making me laugh!

I was a Child Bride!

Well, almost!

I was only 19 when I got married, and I looked 15! (The picture's not me, by the way.)

In my previous post, I remarked that children seem to be in such a hurry to grow up these days.

There IS one exception to this; people get married later. (Which is a good thing in my opinion.)

My (ex)husband was 24.

Not long after we got married, a lady who lived in our street was in the corner shop moaning that her gas fire wasn't working properly.

The shop keeper knew that my hubby was a plumber/gas fitter, so she suggested the lady popped over to my house and ask him to have a look.

We were in the back room eating our tea when she knocked at the door.

I opened the door, and the lady asked,

"Hello, Sweetheart. Is your Dad at home?"

She was really embarrassed when I told her he was my husband.

Hubby was furious when I told him, and promptly shaved off his moustache!

Before I go, I just had to share this with you.

I must have a very cruel sense of humour...........

More blogposts soon!

Ponderings from the Grumpy Chair

Is it just me, or has the world gone mad!

I know when you're getting on a bit in years, policemen and doctors seem too young to know what they're doing. But have you also noticed that children seem to be in a rush to be grown ups.

The kids now demand the latest designer gear, with shoes costing £40, magazines for little girls with free lip gloss, along with all the latest gizmos and hi-tech gadgets.

In the days of our childhood, the posh kids had clothing from M&S, while us "unfortunates" wore home made, or hand-me-downs.

I think it's about time that we treated them like grown ups, if that's what they want.

I have decided to start a new business - it's called Willing Hands. It's an agency for kids to earn money to help support their expensive lifestyles using their various skills.

I only accept children under the age of 12. Minimum wage will not apply.

Here is just a handful of kids available, take your pick.............................

Alice age 7, ironing 50p per basket.

************

Billy and Timmy, aged 7 - they prefer to work together. Laundry 50p per load.

***************

Milly and Molly, aged 5. Car repairs. 50p each for a service.

******************

Maisie aged 4. Gardening 50p per hour

***************

Georgie, aged 6. As with all Plumbers, he's very accomplished as tutting and rolling his eyes, and turning up with the wrong part. There is no standard fee, but bear in mind the final cost will be approximately twice the estimate.

*****************

Don't think for one minute, that I haven't also recruited from within my own family. Here are the grandkids............

Hollie, aged 4 Home Baking. 50p per cake.

***************

and finally....................................

Jayden, my youngest recruit. IT Consultant. 50p per call-out.

Let me know if you have jobs for any of them, won't you?

This time next year, I could be a Millionaire!!!!!