Horoscope 2011 PART TWO

Hello, my dear Bloggeroos and welcome to PART TWO of your FREE Horoscope for 2011.

If you missed part one, you can find it here

So.............to carry on from where I left off..........

LEO

You will have a fantastic year for travel.

To minimise any delays, double check your reservations to avoid disappointment.

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VIRGO

Fate delivers a nasty blow when you visit relatives. They do not make you very welcome and you will decide to cut short your visit.

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LIBRA

You will be excited when a certain visitor agrees to pop in for Afternoon Tea.

Sadly, your joy will diminish when you realise that you sent the invitation to the wrong Time Dimension.

The First Dr Who

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SCORPIO

Your family will gladly support you when you decide to give up your Evening Cookery Course.

They are all happy to chip in for takeaways on a daily basis to save you the bother of cooking for them.

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SAGITTARIUS

You decide that the time has come to finally de-clutter.

You may go missing for a few days, but you will eventually be found by the milkman.

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and finally..........................

CAPRICORN

You will be spoiled for choice when you receive three marriage proposals from someone named "David"...........

David Tennant? a definite maybe.............

David Cassidy? Nah...!

David Essex?......wow! He's still got 'it'!

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I hope you will find your Horoscope accurate and that you find something positive to look forward to.

What star sign am I?

Capricorn of course!

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

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Don't miss my next post when you can read about my new ideas on Conspiracy Theories.

This has mainly come about since the Doctor has changed my medication and I received a very strange visitor.

It IS, of course, a COMPLETELY true story.

(very slow wink, tapping the side of my nose.)

A Change is as Good as a Rest........................

I suppose you've guessed by now that I'm taking a bit of a rest..............

As you can see, the maid is just giving me a quick pedicure before my guest arrives for afternoon tea.

I just don't seem to be able to think straight at the moment........

Maybe it's because.............

I have a terrible cold, or.........

I'm excited at the prospect of my new grandchild, due any day now......

However, to keep our chuckle muscles firmly flexed - I've been having a clearout of a few funny pics I've managed to collect over the last few months.

I thought you might enjoy some of them.

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Right then! Who's for chocolate?

This photo brought a smile to my face......................

Heee! Heeeee!

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I've also got some new inventions to show you............

This one would come in handy when using Public Toilets. After all we don't want to leave our little ones unattended outside the loo, do we?

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What about this for when you're feeling depressed.............

A Prozac Pillow - how inventive is that?

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My favourite new invention is the Magic Mirror, courtesy of Jenny at winnibriggshouse

(it was attached to an email from her promoting Breast Cancer Awareness.)

Oooooh - I want one!

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So, my dear bloggeroos, I will be back soon. Bear with me - I so appreciate your friendship and support.............

I'd better go...........David's knocking at the door, ready for his afternoon tea.

Yes! Of course it's David TENNANT.

(Well he's got nothing better to do since he handed over the keys to the Tardis!)

After his tea - he's going to help me get me drawers down..........

NOOOOOOOOO!

Not those kinda drawers.

I need to move some furniture from my bedroom to the living room......

Back soon!

Unlucky in Love............

Go get yourself a cup of tea, a biscuit or three and a Tena Lady, and I will tell you the story of my quest to find True Love!

I was married for 19 years to a wonderful man - the father of my my two sons.

We remain on friendly terms, and I don't think either of us wish we had never married.

Apart from my marriage and my 8 year relationship with my late partner - I have been very unlucky in love..............

Firstly, there was Bob, he was a builder

A great bloke, but he never turned up on the day he said he would, and kept nipping off to see someone else.

Then there was Boris, the Optician............

I couldn't "see" that going anywhere.

Next, there was Pat the Postman................

I only saw him once.

After our first date, every time he arranged to pick me up - he kept going to the wrong address.

Not to mention all that cat hair!

Steve, the Bookmaker, was the next man to drift into my life...................

All he ever did was take my money off me!

Then there was John, the Jeweller.....................

He was always promising to "give me a ring" - and never did.

Jeremy, the Vicar seemed promising at first...............

- but all that time on my knees?

I then met Justin. Justin was an explorer. We didn't see each other very much.

First he went off to the North Pole.

Then he joined an expedition to the South Pole.............

I decided not to pursue this relationship...................

I'd heard he was BI-POLAR!

The chap I met most recently was Gordon, the Newsagent.

But I'm now having second thoughts about him...........

Surely it's not normal to spend all that time surrounded by 13 year old boys?

For my previous tales of woe see

Romeo, Romeo and Farewell my Lovely.

Farewell My Lovely.................

I was absolutely devastated to receive this letter in the post this morning.

I don't know how I can carry on. My heart is broken.

Dear Sue

I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, I have decided not to move in with you and we can no longer carry on seeing each other.

Over the last few months, our relationship has lost its spark.

I know you wanted to know who killed Archie, but watching Eastenders over my right shoulder quite put me off our lovemaking.

And was it really necessary to then prop your computer laptop on my back, and type over my head so that you could instant message your mates on face book and discuss who’d guessed right?

I think you’re sick and need professional help. Giving me a broken jaw just because I mentioned that your gravy wasn’t moving about very much is not a normal reaction.

This isn’t the first time you have resorted to violence, you watch too much Wrestling if you ask me.

I was only trying to be helpful when I suggested you join Weightwatchers.

It upset me to witness the look of embarrassment on your face when you got in the lift and the announcing voice said, “First Floor going up. Not you fatso, use the stairs!”

I hate to say this, but you’re also a slovenly cow. Trying to sleep in a bed filled with Wagon Wheel crumbs is one thing, but when I woke up this morning and looked over at you what I saw fair turned my stomach.

If you had finished eating the pizza last night, why didn’t you put the rest of it under the bed with the dust bunnies as you usually do?

Instead you just left it on your Tizer stained pillow.

Seeing a woman with a slice of pizza stuck to her face first thing in the morning is not a pretty sight!

Speaking of your appearance - I am returning your photo that I've had on my bedside table. I never told you this, but it gave me nightmares.

All of this has left me feeling so depressed, I feel like tossing myself off a bridge.

I want you to know that if I do decide to toss myself off, it will be your fault.

Yours as ever

David

What a horrible man. I hope he trips over the laces of his designer plimsolls!

To see my previous post about David Tennant see here

That's What it's All About!

This picture is a representation of me about to take a bath. Not a very true representation, granted.

For a start, there's no mascara on the floor where I dropped the old Maybelline when I nearly poked my eye out.

This happened 'cos I was startled when the timer buzzed to tell me it was time to remove the Immac off my legs.

I don't know who they test these products on, but it wasn't long enough for my legs.

I rinsed it off and it still looked like I'd knelt in a pile of Brillo pads and they'd stuck there!

Apart from the depilatory disaster I'd been getting along fine and had just been adding the final touches to my new Cheryl Cole look.

I was sure that today was the day that my utter gorgeousness would be spotted by an undercover L'Oreal talent scout during my tussle in Sainsbury's deli aisle with the old biddies looking for the reduced items.

(Okay, okay, I know I look more like Old King Cole than Cheryl Cole, but this is MY story, remember.)

Where was I?.............................. Oh yes, me getting into the bath................

Or NOT getting in the bath, as is sometimes the case.

I'll explain, the thing is I have health issues.

I'm not talking about the three little pink pills I take each day to keep the men in white coats from carting me off to the "Peaceful little secure place the other side of town."

This is another problem, it's called Fibromyalgia (FMS) and it affects my joints. (It also affects my thought processes, but you'd already guessed that one, right?)

I won't bore you with the details, particularly as many people with FMS are much more disabled with it than I am.

So...........back to my bathing habits.

The main problem for me is that on my worst days my joints become hypersensitive to temperature, so that when my skin is wet it feels much colder than it is and this causes discomfort.

I can also be a bit weak in the knees, making it difficult to get out of the bath.

(Not the same'weak in the knees' I feel when David Tennant pops round to clean out me gutters and trim me lawn.)

I really, really try not to let it beat me, although I'm not always successful! It sometimes needs a novel approach when dealing with practical matters.

I found the solution by way of a bath seat, not the mechanical type my Mumsie has, it's basically a board that sits across the top of the bath.

Oh, here we are, I've found a piccie!

So, I run the bath, get on the seat, and wash and dry myself a bit at a time so that the skin around my joints only stays wets for a few seconds.

I was having a particularly bad day and was just beginning my ritual. Hollie, my 4 year old granddaughter came into the bathroom.

So she sat on the toilet lid swinging her legs and watched me with great interest.

Now, this cute little girl is full of imagination, so can sometimes say things that, how can I put this ........well they're not exactly true.

So when she said, "We do that at Nursery," I murmured absent mindedly, "Oh do you?"

She jumped off the loo and said she was going downstairs to find her daddy.

I finished getting dressed and went downstairs.

"Mum, what were you doing?" asked Phil, my son

"I was having a bath," I replied

"Hollie said that you were doing the Hokey Cokey like they do at Nursery."

I raised my eyebrows.

"You must stop making up these stories, Hollie!" said Phil

Her little eyes filled up and she said,

"Nanny was doing the Hokey Cokey! She put her right leg in, her right leg out."

The reason I remembered this little story is because of this I saw on a tshirt today..........................

I only Have Ice for You (with apologies to Mr Sinatra)

Hello there!, my chummy bloggeroos. Many, many thanks for your much appreciated comments and emails.

To be honest, I'm a bit fed up today.

Things never seem to happen as we want them to, do they?.

Take this evening for example. I've been mooching around the kitchen checking what jobs needed doing.

Not that I'm intending to do any of them. But when you're engaged in "Housework Avoidance, Advanced Level", it adds to the thrill if you've made a mental note of the actual chores you're avoiding.

I decided I would avoid two jobs - defrosting the freezer and mending the kitchen drawer.

(Oh the thrill of it all!)

I've sent a Love Letter to David Tennant, (be still my beating heart!) inviting him this evening for tea , (or if you live south of the Watford Gap "Supper".)

For those who don't know who David is, apart from having the sexiest smile in the whole of Christendom and plimsolls to match. Mr Tennant , or 'Darling' as I call him, is the best Dr Who that ever slayed a Dalek.

Here is what I wrote...........

Darling,

There was a Special Offer today at Lidl's supermarket - all you can fit in your bloomers for a fiver. So hard to resist, and luckily for me - I was wearing a fresh pair with a re-enforced gusset.

They had such wondrous delights, including your favourite - Chocolate Macaroons, so come round to my place on Tuesday and I'll give you one.

For main course there's some leftover Shish Kebabs made with real Shish.

Don't park the Tardis on the verge, that woman over the road with all them kids, let Giles poo on the grass, (Giles is her dog by the way.)

I'm sick of her and I've told her that if she lets him do it again, that I'll tell all the neighbours about what I saw her doing in Lidl's Car Park.

She was standing there bold as brass, both hands down her Primark one-size-fits-all knickers.

She was dragging out her commestibles and shoving it into Waitrose bags and sticking it in her 4X4. Snobby Cow!

Love you lots

Sue

XXXXX

P.S. Don't forget to bring some "Hard as Nails."

P.P.S. You'll need this plus your sonic screwdriver to mend the front of my drawers.

I've been sooooo excited! I even decided to put on my second best underwear.

(You may remember what happened to my very best when I was cutting my own hair, see previous posts)

I had this beautiful set of underwear that I hadn't worn since my wedding in 1975 to the First Mr Dollytub, father of my 2 sons. I wasn't sure if all 7 pieces would fit.

Luckily for me they did. (I was even a lard arse back then.)

So I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. And waiting and waiting 'til I can't stay here much longer.

I never could stay propped up on elbows for very long. (The First Mr D will vouch for that)

I've just noticed I'm now suffering with "five o'clock shadow"*

*(Definition: Beard growth late in day: beard growth noticeable later in the day on a man/woman who shaved in the morning.)

I am so bored, I oughta do something, distract myself. Do a little job p'raps. I could maybe nip and trim me bush.

Oh, I know. I'll defrost the freezer whilst I'm waiting. Back in a few minutes, I need to set the hairdryer going around the edges first so I can open the freezer door.

EFFECTS: Cheesy music playing quietly in the background. (Please hold, your blog reading is important to us).....

Right then, that's got that little job started. Now, what was I going to tell you..................

Oh yes, I remember..............

I popped to see Mumsie and Daddio yesterday. What a pair!

Daddio was watching Michelle Mc Cool versus Gail Kim Mud Wrestling on WWE and he was wearing this snazzy little eye patch.

ME: What have you done to your eye Daddio, (I asked him in a concerned voice.)

DADDIO: Nothing. (Still engrossed in the telly.)

ME: What yer wearing it for then?


MUMSIE:Gone on then, tell her. You dozy old FFFFFElla.


DADDIO:The Manageress (aka Mum) reckons I'll go blind watching these young lasses writhing about in the mud.


ME: So why are you wearing the patch?


DADDIO: Well, I thought I'd just risk the one eye.



Oooh, must go. I just heard a clatter downstairs, I think it's David rattling me letter box.



Pop back tomorrow won't yer?