Three Wheels on my Wagon...............

Where have I been?...............

You may well ask!

I've not really been anywhere much, as it happens.

Mainly between Car Dealerships and the Hospital. (More on the Hospital bit further down the page.)

Anyone who, like me, is on limited income and drives around in an old banger will know the fear and trepidation and that 'knot in the stomach' feeling that strikes us when we see in our diary.............

M.O.T. due on car.

The M.O.T. tester had said that he didn't think it would go through this year.

My friendly mechanic Brum, said it wouldn't go through this year.

The bangs, rattles and scraping noises told me it wouldn't go through this year.

But, as usual, my optimistic, positive attitude got the better of me.

"Oh well, chuck it and chance it. Yer never know."

I should have known better.

On my way to the mechanic, I switched on the radio.........................

First song playing was..............

"(I was lost in a) Fool's Paradise"

So I gulped and shivered.

Even though I was alone in the car, I gave that silly little nervous laugh we give when feeling foolish.

The next song on the radio was.................

"Three Wheels on my Wagon."

I groaned at the thought, remembering that lovely day last Summer..............

............when the weather was warm and sunny. I'd had a lovely lunch with my family.

I'd been driving home. I turned the steering wheel, it turned...............

Unfortunately, one of the wheels didn't!

Brum my mechanic tenderly replaced the thingummy jig on the whatsname, and I was mobile again.

So whizz forward six months to last week................

Driving the car to be tested, I felt as though I was taking a beloved pet to be put to sleep.

The car had belonged to my late partner, Liam.

Apart from his guitar, it was the only thing that I had of his.

It was a 1994 red Nissan Primera 1.6. Following Liam's death, I sold my own car, also a Primera, as his car was the better of the two.

So, now both cars have now gone to the great scrapyard in the sky.

Maybe it's a good thing. Just one more milestone telling me to keep moving forward.

(sniff, sniff)

Now to find another one......................

I could have probably managed with a smaller car. But, I do like running Mumsie and Daddio around. It's more practical to have plenty of room............Mum has a bit of difficulty as she's had trouble with her joints and has had loads of operations............

I also have to take into account that I need to have a car with a very adjustable driver's seat to accommodate my gammy legs and a dicky back............

Hey, I've just had an idea, maybe I should have got .................

an Ambulance!

On second thoughts, there'd be nowhere to sit my nodding dog!

Oh YES!

As luck would have it, after much searching, I found the perfect car......................

Yet another Nissan Primera.......................

Do you like it?

It's a bigger engine and it's the Sports version.

It's really nippy. Mumsie's had a couple of rides in it......................

she says the g-force made her face feel like this......................

Ha!Ha!Ha! Mumsie, you're priceless!

***************

On a more serious note...............

Daddio had a mild stroke on Thursday morning and was taken to hospital.

He is doing really well. The main problem was that he had problems with his left leg.

He is using a stick, but he has already recovered most of the feeling in it now.

Luckily Mum acted quickly.

The stroke has not affected his speech or thought processes.

He is in good spirits, and is flirting with all the nurses!

He is taking part in a drugs trial, and it certainly seems very effective.

We are hoping that he will be discharged on Wednesday.

Hopefully, I will be back here blogging soon with some photo's of Mum and dad's 60th Wedding Anniversary Party!

Horoscope 2011 PART TWO

Hello, my dear Bloggeroos and welcome to PART TWO of your FREE Horoscope for 2011.

If you missed part one, you can find it here

So.............to carry on from where I left off..........

LEO

You will have a fantastic year for travel.

To minimise any delays, double check your reservations to avoid disappointment.

*****************

VIRGO

Fate delivers a nasty blow when you visit relatives. They do not make you very welcome and you will decide to cut short your visit.

****************

LIBRA

You will be excited when a certain visitor agrees to pop in for Afternoon Tea.

Sadly, your joy will diminish when you realise that you sent the invitation to the wrong Time Dimension.

The First Dr Who

***************

SCORPIO

Your family will gladly support you when you decide to give up your Evening Cookery Course.

They are all happy to chip in for takeaways on a daily basis to save you the bother of cooking for them.

****************

SAGITTARIUS

You decide that the time has come to finally de-clutter.

You may go missing for a few days, but you will eventually be found by the milkman.

*************

and finally..........................

CAPRICORN

You will be spoiled for choice when you receive three marriage proposals from someone named "David"...........

David Tennant? a definite maybe.............

David Cassidy? Nah...!

David Essex?......wow! He's still got 'it'!

*************

I hope you will find your Horoscope accurate and that you find something positive to look forward to.

What star sign am I?

Capricorn of course!

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

**************

Don't miss my next post when you can read about my new ideas on Conspiracy Theories.

This has mainly come about since the Doctor has changed my medication and I received a very strange visitor.

It IS, of course, a COMPLETELY true story.

(very slow wink, tapping the side of my nose.)

Unlucky in Love............

Go get yourself a cup of tea, a biscuit or three and a Tena Lady, and I will tell you the story of my quest to find True Love!

I was married for 19 years to a wonderful man - the father of my my two sons.

We remain on friendly terms, and I don't think either of us wish we had never married.

Apart from my marriage and my 8 year relationship with my late partner - I have been very unlucky in love..............

Firstly, there was Bob, he was a builder

A great bloke, but he never turned up on the day he said he would, and kept nipping off to see someone else.

Then there was Boris, the Optician............

I couldn't "see" that going anywhere.

Next, there was Pat the Postman................

I only saw him once.

After our first date, every time he arranged to pick me up - he kept going to the wrong address.

Not to mention all that cat hair!

Steve, the Bookmaker, was the next man to drift into my life...................

All he ever did was take my money off me!

Then there was John, the Jeweller.....................

He was always promising to "give me a ring" - and never did.

Jeremy, the Vicar seemed promising at first...............

- but all that time on my knees?

I then met Justin. Justin was an explorer. We didn't see each other very much.

First he went off to the North Pole.

Then he joined an expedition to the South Pole.............

I decided not to pursue this relationship...................

I'd heard he was BI-POLAR!

The chap I met most recently was Gordon, the Newsagent.

But I'm now having second thoughts about him...........

Surely it's not normal to spend all that time surrounded by 13 year old boys?

For my previous tales of woe see

Romeo, Romeo and Farewell my Lovely.

I'm Hot Stuff - Don't ya know!

Gosh! Didn't we have scorching weather last week in the UK?

I don't remember sweating like that since I chased after the Mayor dressed as a Victorian Prostitute.

(It was the Mayor's Carnival, 1992, I'd fallen off the lorry, and had to chase it 300 yards up Lincoln High Street before the driver realised and stopped for me to get back on! Oh Happy Days!)

Where was I? errrr...... Oh yes, the weather last week.

It seemed no matter what I did I just couldn't cool down.

First of all, I stripped down to my underwear...........................

Nope - still didn't cool down.

And thirsty?..........................................I felt like I had a hedgehog on my tongue!

I grabbed a large bottle of Tropicana, and slurped the lot.

Nope! Still too hot!..........................

Then I had an idea................. I ran over to the freezer, lifted the lid, and plunged me arms almost down to the bottom.

I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and began to rub them all over my steaming body. At this moment, two things happened.........................

Firstly, the bag of peas split and tumbled all over the floor......................

and secondly, there was a tap on my shoulder..............................

There was a man standing there!.................................................

"Excuse me, Madam. But would please leave the store............NOW!"

I picked up my clothes of the shop floor and headed embarrassingly towards the exit.

There was a young lad about 12 years old, he picked up a handful of the frozen peas and ran after me.

He dropped the peas down the back of my (ginormous) knickers.

"What did you do that for?" I demanded,

He grinned cheekily, and said, "Well, Missus..................................

Back to shopping at Sainsbury's it is then!

I'm Loving Angels Instead - Part Three

This is Part three of my quest to find a Handy Man following my advert placed in the newsagent's window.

Local Widow seeks Handy Man, must be fit

Apply in person to Dollytub Cottage

If you have read my two previous posts you will know by now that this has not been an easy task.

Surely there must be someone competent out there to clear my back passage and trim my bush here and there as required.

So far my search has not been fruitful, not to mention dis-heartening!

Yesterday there was a knock at the door, I peeped round my net curtain, as yer do, and saw a young man standing there.

He must have only been about 25, and a strapping example of one of Lincoln's Finest. I'd seen him a few times around the neighbourhood, most notably playing "sucky faces" with the young lasses outside the off-licence.

Well, thought I. This looks promising.

How wrong can a girl be?

"Hello missus," he beamed.

"Have you come about the card in the newsagents?" I asked.

"Yes missus."

Obviously not much of a talker, or maybe the girls outside the "Offy" have worn out his lips.

"Have you done anything like this before?" I enquired

"No missus."

(Are you getting as bored as me with this conversation?)

"Well, you certainly look fit for the job. Come in and we'll have a little chat."

"Right" he said as he came across the threshold. He didn't even bother with the "missus" this time.

I took him out to the back garden. I pointed up to the guttering,

"D'yer see up there, there some moss growing up there, so the rain is running down the wall?"

He had a quizzical look on his face,

"Yeah?"

I continued, "So the gutter needs clearing."

"Oh yeah, yeah," the penny's dropped he's nodding vigorously.

"Would you be able to do it?" I asked him.

He looked round behind him, then realised I was talking to him.

"What, missus - up there?"

"Yes, Ducky." I'm nodding now, thinking he's at last cottoned on.

He scratched his head "Up a ladder?"

"Well, yes. It's the only way."

"Aw sorry, missus. I don't fink I can do ladders. I gets dizzy, see?" he says.

(Quite a long sentence that time!)

"Never mind. I can probably ask the Window Cleaner to do that job."

(I don't know why I said that, the Window Cleaner doesn't do ladders either!)

Never mind, I thought. I'll show him my back passage.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I'm doing a bit of DIY, I'm a bit of a messy cow, err creature.

I'm not very good at clearing up the trail of devastation that I leave in my wake.

So I do tend to pile things up in my back passage.

"What needs doing here then?" he asked me.

Obviously he's a bit lacking in initiative. Never mind, I thought. I'll be here - I can supervise.

"All those tins of paint will need taking round to the front of the house and put in the rubbish skip. It's coming Tuesday."

He looked at me, apologetically, "I can't do paint. It's me dermatitis, see?"

"Oh well, never mind. I'll take them round myself. You can take that pile of rubble there, I've got a wheelbarrow."

As soon as the words left my mouth, the look on his face said it all.

"Don't you do wheelbarrows either?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, I do wheelbarrows." he answered.

Thank God, we're finally getting somewhere. I almost jumped up and down with delight.

(I really must get out more!)

My joy was short lived, however. He continued...............

"It's the rubble I won't be able to manage. I've got a bad back."

Good grief, this young chap's got more problems than I've got!

Maybe he can manage the gardening.

I don't know why I kept making excuses for him, and trying to find something he could do.

I decided to take him round to the front garden and show him my bush.

"Can you trim my bush?" I asked him.

"Sorry, missus. Plant allergy, hay fever and everyfink."

"So, you won't be able to mow the lawns either?" I don't know why I asked.

He shook his head.

I told him as gently as possible.......

"Well, I'm sorry, I really am, Ducky. I don't think you'll be any good to me."

He looked crestfallen.

"I don't think you're much of a Handy Man" I said.

"No?" he said.

"What makes you think you're handy?" I asked.

"Welllllllllllllll..................

I only live round the corner."

I suppose you don't get much handier than that.

(Oh the old ones are the best!)

I think I'll go round to the newsagent's tomorrow and ask Legover Linda to take that card out of the window.

Farewell My Lovely.................

I was absolutely devastated to receive this letter in the post this morning.

I don't know how I can carry on. My heart is broken.

Dear Sue

I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, I have decided not to move in with you and we can no longer carry on seeing each other.

Over the last few months, our relationship has lost its spark.

I know you wanted to know who killed Archie, but watching Eastenders over my right shoulder quite put me off our lovemaking.

And was it really necessary to then prop your computer laptop on my back, and type over my head so that you could instant message your mates on face book and discuss who’d guessed right?

I think you’re sick and need professional help. Giving me a broken jaw just because I mentioned that your gravy wasn’t moving about very much is not a normal reaction.

This isn’t the first time you have resorted to violence, you watch too much Wrestling if you ask me.

I was only trying to be helpful when I suggested you join Weightwatchers.

It upset me to witness the look of embarrassment on your face when you got in the lift and the announcing voice said, “First Floor going up. Not you fatso, use the stairs!”

I hate to say this, but you’re also a slovenly cow. Trying to sleep in a bed filled with Wagon Wheel crumbs is one thing, but when I woke up this morning and looked over at you what I saw fair turned my stomach.

If you had finished eating the pizza last night, why didn’t you put the rest of it under the bed with the dust bunnies as you usually do?

Instead you just left it on your Tizer stained pillow.

Seeing a woman with a slice of pizza stuck to her face first thing in the morning is not a pretty sight!

Speaking of your appearance - I am returning your photo that I've had on my bedside table. I never told you this, but it gave me nightmares.

All of this has left me feeling so depressed, I feel like tossing myself off a bridge.

I want you to know that if I do decide to toss myself off, it will be your fault.

Yours as ever

David

What a horrible man. I hope he trips over the laces of his designer plimsolls!

To see my previous post about David Tennant see here