It's enough to Drive me Bonkers!

Hello my dear Bloggeroos!

I had a (mostly) lovely weekend. On Sunday it was my great nephew Toby's Christening.

As you know by now, my family love an excuse for a Party. Once again, we had the usual Disco and Buffet.

My son, Phil and his family came down from Darlington. My niece, Emily came up from Wiltshire and we all met Jensen, the newest member of our clan.

As I said, it was mostly lovely. Sunday was perfect, but........

Saturday turned out to be a very strange day indeed..............

I absolutely hate driving.

It's not that I'm nervous, but I do find other road users do tend to behave in some peculiar ways!

Before I even pulled off the drive for my weekly lunch at Mum and Dad's, I nearly set off my car's airbag. There is a nutty Professor lives down my road. He insists on cycling on the footpath.

I stopped just in time.

"Here we go.......nutters abound!" I thought to myself.

I drove to the end of the road.

Just near Sainsbury's, I spotted them..........finger up nose, mind in neutral. (Them, not me!)

Kamikaze Pedestrians!

By now, my legs were beginning to turn to jelly..................

"Concentrate!" I chided myself.

For moments such as this, I keep a few Extra Strong Mints in my car's ashtray.

When I stopped at the traffic lights, I popped a mint in mouth.

At least, I thought it was a mint.

It was in fact.....................

.............a £1 coin!

Just as I realised my mistake, the lights changed to green...........

There was an impatient motorist behind me.

He tooted his horn so loudly, he startled me........

Yep! You guessed it..................

I swallowed the £1 coin!

When I arrived at Family Headquaters, I asked Mum if I could use the 'phone.

I called the Doctor.............

Of course, he was very busy.

He told me the best thing to do was to "let Nature take its course."

How am I now?

Well, despite taking certain measures.................

..........up to now..............

............there's no change!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

The old ones are the BEST!

Don't forget to pop back soon to read a tale about Mumsie and a case of mistaken identity.

Horoscope 2011 PART TWO

Hello, my dear Bloggeroos and welcome to PART TWO of your FREE Horoscope for 2011.

If you missed part one, you can find it here

So.............to carry on from where I left off..........

LEO

You will have a fantastic year for travel.

To minimise any delays, double check your reservations to avoid disappointment.

*****************

VIRGO

Fate delivers a nasty blow when you visit relatives. They do not make you very welcome and you will decide to cut short your visit.

****************

LIBRA

You will be excited when a certain visitor agrees to pop in for Afternoon Tea.

Sadly, your joy will diminish when you realise that you sent the invitation to the wrong Time Dimension.

The First Dr Who

***************

SCORPIO

Your family will gladly support you when you decide to give up your Evening Cookery Course.

They are all happy to chip in for takeaways on a daily basis to save you the bother of cooking for them.

****************

SAGITTARIUS

You decide that the time has come to finally de-clutter.

You may go missing for a few days, but you will eventually be found by the milkman.

*************

and finally..........................

CAPRICORN

You will be spoiled for choice when you receive three marriage proposals from someone named "David"...........

David Tennant? a definite maybe.............

David Cassidy? Nah...!

David Essex?......wow! He's still got 'it'!

*************

I hope you will find your Horoscope accurate and that you find something positive to look forward to.

What star sign am I?

Capricorn of course!

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

**************

Don't miss my next post when you can read about my new ideas on Conspiracy Theories.

This has mainly come about since the Doctor has changed my medication and I received a very strange visitor.

It IS, of course, a COMPLETELY true story.

(very slow wink, tapping the side of my nose.)

Farewell My Lovely.................

I was absolutely devastated to receive this letter in the post this morning.

I don't know how I can carry on. My heart is broken.

Dear Sue

I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, I have decided not to move in with you and we can no longer carry on seeing each other.

Over the last few months, our relationship has lost its spark.

I know you wanted to know who killed Archie, but watching Eastenders over my right shoulder quite put me off our lovemaking.

And was it really necessary to then prop your computer laptop on my back, and type over my head so that you could instant message your mates on face book and discuss who’d guessed right?

I think you’re sick and need professional help. Giving me a broken jaw just because I mentioned that your gravy wasn’t moving about very much is not a normal reaction.

This isn’t the first time you have resorted to violence, you watch too much Wrestling if you ask me.

I was only trying to be helpful when I suggested you join Weightwatchers.

It upset me to witness the look of embarrassment on your face when you got in the lift and the announcing voice said, “First Floor going up. Not you fatso, use the stairs!”

I hate to say this, but you’re also a slovenly cow. Trying to sleep in a bed filled with Wagon Wheel crumbs is one thing, but when I woke up this morning and looked over at you what I saw fair turned my stomach.

If you had finished eating the pizza last night, why didn’t you put the rest of it under the bed with the dust bunnies as you usually do?

Instead you just left it on your Tizer stained pillow.

Seeing a woman with a slice of pizza stuck to her face first thing in the morning is not a pretty sight!

Speaking of your appearance - I am returning your photo that I've had on my bedside table. I never told you this, but it gave me nightmares.

All of this has left me feeling so depressed, I feel like tossing myself off a bridge.

I want you to know that if I do decide to toss myself off, it will be your fault.

Yours as ever

David

What a horrible man. I hope he trips over the laces of his designer plimsolls!

To see my previous post about David Tennant see here

I only Have Ice for You (with apologies to Mr Sinatra)

Hello there!, my chummy bloggeroos. Many, many thanks for your much appreciated comments and emails.

To be honest, I'm a bit fed up today.

Things never seem to happen as we want them to, do they?.

Take this evening for example. I've been mooching around the kitchen checking what jobs needed doing.

Not that I'm intending to do any of them. But when you're engaged in "Housework Avoidance, Advanced Level", it adds to the thrill if you've made a mental note of the actual chores you're avoiding.

I decided I would avoid two jobs - defrosting the freezer and mending the kitchen drawer.

(Oh the thrill of it all!)

I've sent a Love Letter to David Tennant, (be still my beating heart!) inviting him this evening for tea , (or if you live south of the Watford Gap "Supper".)

For those who don't know who David is, apart from having the sexiest smile in the whole of Christendom and plimsolls to match. Mr Tennant , or 'Darling' as I call him, is the best Dr Who that ever slayed a Dalek.

Here is what I wrote...........

Darling,

There was a Special Offer today at Lidl's supermarket - all you can fit in your bloomers for a fiver. So hard to resist, and luckily for me - I was wearing a fresh pair with a re-enforced gusset.

They had such wondrous delights, including your favourite - Chocolate Macaroons, so come round to my place on Tuesday and I'll give you one.

For main course there's some leftover Shish Kebabs made with real Shish.

Don't park the Tardis on the verge, that woman over the road with all them kids, let Giles poo on the grass, (Giles is her dog by the way.)

I'm sick of her and I've told her that if she lets him do it again, that I'll tell all the neighbours about what I saw her doing in Lidl's Car Park.

She was standing there bold as brass, both hands down her Primark one-size-fits-all knickers.

She was dragging out her commestibles and shoving it into Waitrose bags and sticking it in her 4X4. Snobby Cow!

Love you lots

Sue

XXXXX

P.S. Don't forget to bring some "Hard as Nails."

P.P.S. You'll need this plus your sonic screwdriver to mend the front of my drawers.

I've been sooooo excited! I even decided to put on my second best underwear.

(You may remember what happened to my very best when I was cutting my own hair, see previous posts)

I had this beautiful set of underwear that I hadn't worn since my wedding in 1975 to the First Mr Dollytub, father of my 2 sons. I wasn't sure if all 7 pieces would fit.

Luckily for me they did. (I was even a lard arse back then.)

So I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. And waiting and waiting 'til I can't stay here much longer.

I never could stay propped up on elbows for very long. (The First Mr D will vouch for that)

I've just noticed I'm now suffering with "five o'clock shadow"*

*(Definition: Beard growth late in day: beard growth noticeable later in the day on a man/woman who shaved in the morning.)

I am so bored, I oughta do something, distract myself. Do a little job p'raps. I could maybe nip and trim me bush.

Oh, I know. I'll defrost the freezer whilst I'm waiting. Back in a few minutes, I need to set the hairdryer going around the edges first so I can open the freezer door.

EFFECTS: Cheesy music playing quietly in the background. (Please hold, your blog reading is important to us).....

Right then, that's got that little job started. Now, what was I going to tell you..................

Oh yes, I remember..............

I popped to see Mumsie and Daddio yesterday. What a pair!

Daddio was watching Michelle Mc Cool versus Gail Kim Mud Wrestling on WWE and he was wearing this snazzy little eye patch.

ME: What have you done to your eye Daddio, (I asked him in a concerned voice.)

DADDIO: Nothing. (Still engrossed in the telly.)

ME: What yer wearing it for then?


MUMSIE:Gone on then, tell her. You dozy old FFFFFElla.


DADDIO:The Manageress (aka Mum) reckons I'll go blind watching these young lasses writhing about in the mud.


ME: So why are you wearing the patch?


DADDIO: Well, I thought I'd just risk the one eye.



Oooh, must go. I just heard a clatter downstairs, I think it's David rattling me letter box.



Pop back tomorrow won't yer?