It's enough to Drive me Bonkers!

Hello my dear Bloggeroos!

I had a (mostly) lovely weekend. On Sunday it was my great nephew Toby's Christening.

As you know by now, my family love an excuse for a Party. Once again, we had the usual Disco and Buffet.

My son, Phil and his family came down from Darlington. My niece, Emily came up from Wiltshire and we all met Jensen, the newest member of our clan.

As I said, it was mostly lovely. Sunday was perfect, but........

Saturday turned out to be a very strange day indeed..............

I absolutely hate driving.

It's not that I'm nervous, but I do find other road users do tend to behave in some peculiar ways!

Before I even pulled off the drive for my weekly lunch at Mum and Dad's, I nearly set off my car's airbag. There is a nutty Professor lives down my road. He insists on cycling on the footpath.

I stopped just in time.

"Here we go.......nutters abound!" I thought to myself.

I drove to the end of the road.

Just near Sainsbury's, I spotted them..........finger up nose, mind in neutral. (Them, not me!)

Kamikaze Pedestrians!

By now, my legs were beginning to turn to jelly..................

"Concentrate!" I chided myself.

For moments such as this, I keep a few Extra Strong Mints in my car's ashtray.

When I stopped at the traffic lights, I popped a mint in mouth.

At least, I thought it was a mint.

It was in fact.....................

.............a £1 coin!

Just as I realised my mistake, the lights changed to green...........

There was an impatient motorist behind me.

He tooted his horn so loudly, he startled me........

Yep! You guessed it..................

I swallowed the £1 coin!

When I arrived at Family Headquaters, I asked Mum if I could use the 'phone.

I called the Doctor.............

Of course, he was very busy.

He told me the best thing to do was to "let Nature take its course."

How am I now?

Well, despite taking certain measures.................

..........up to now..............

............there's no change!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

The old ones are the BEST!

Don't forget to pop back soon to read a tale about Mumsie and a case of mistaken identity.

Someday my Prints Will Come..................

One day last week, I was waiting for my photo's to come back from Supasnaps.

I always get VERY excited when I'm waiting for something special to arrive in my post.

Before you start thinking, "This woman really should get out more." Let me tell you more.................

You may remember a while back I told you about Elvis, my postman.

Not the real Elvis, obviously :O)

You see my postie is an Elvis Impersonator in his spare time, so he always delivers the mail with a song.

Anyway, I could hear him coming up the path. This particular day he was singing,

"Get off the Aga, Granny - You're Too Old to Ride the Range."

Suddenly, he stopped singing.

He let out a sigh, and from my side of the door I could hear him mutterring,

"I wish people wouldn't use these stupid low letterboxes. Don't they know I've got a bad back from all that gyrating!"

I opened the front door, and there he was............

Lying prone in me porch.

"For Heaven's sake, Elvis," I said. "What are you doing down there?"

"Well, Missus. It says on the envelope................

*******

I hope my little tale made you smile, but as a postscript (no pun intended!)..............

When I was looking for the drawing above, I typed in "Lying Man" into search google images.

Here is one of the pics that came up...............

"I did not have sex with that woman."

Back soon!

Keeping A-breast of Things.............

Hello my dear Bloggeroos!

Thank you for your 'welcome back' comments and emails.

You sure are a lovely lot of ladies!

*********

A few weeks ago I received a letter from our local breast screening clinic inviting me to attend my 3-yearly breast scan.

My appointment was for 3.20pm. I am very rarely late, so arrived in plenty of time.

At Reception, I handed the receptionist my letter.

Feeling rather smug with myself for my prompt arrival, and showing off, I stood there breathing on my nails and buffing them on my Marks and Spencer cardy.

Of course, pride goeth before a fall............the smile was soon wiped off my face when the Receptionist handed me back the letter and without looking up from her OK magazine said,

"Your appointment's not 'til tomorrow."

"Flippin' 'eck!" I thought. (Or something similar..........)

Noticing the miserable face I was now wearing, she threw down her mag and sighed......

"Wait there, I'll see if they'll see you today." she said.

She came back and said,

"They'll squeeze you in."

Remembering my previous visit, I had to have a chuckle at her choice of words!

Squeeze me in? Squeeze me in?

For anyone who's never had a mammogram, squeezing you in is EXACTLY what they do!

Now I know how a steak feels pressed between the plates of a George Foreman Grill.

Or, as Mumsie calls hers....................

A George FORMBY grill!

*******

Don't forget to keep up with your Breast Screening ladies.

I do hope you'll pop by again soon!

My Sister is Worth More Than 200 Camels!

My sister, Mandy really IS worth more than 200 camels!

How do I know this?

Her hubby David told me.

Now read on.................

Well, it all started a few months ago..................

(sound effects of dreamy music over a fuzzy swirling picture.)

It was my sister-in-law Kath's 60th Birthday, and as you know by now, our family throw parties on a regular basis.

Any excuse will do! But on this being such a Grand Occasion, Kath decided on having us all in Fancy Dress.

Mumsie, as always, just didn't take it seriously enough..................

Sister Mandy looked fantastic as a 1960's "Dolly Bird"..............

Where did you get that hat?

There were around 80 of us, so it came as no surprise that some of us chose similar outfits and themes...........

Mandy's hubby was dressed as an Arab.....................

His daughter, Tracey was dressed as Cleopatra.....................

and.................

so was I!

(Do you like my colour coordinated eyeshadow?)

At some point in the evening, someone took a photo of David, Tracey and me.

This gave David the idea for their next family holiday...................

Egypt, Land of the Pharaohs.

They got back a couple of weeks ago, and they all had a lovely time!

I asked him if anyone offered him to swap Mandy for any camels. (I'd heard that Egyptian men love blondes.)

He said he was offered 200 camels, but he declined their kind offer.

"Aaah - that's true love, that is." I said.

"Don't be daft!" said David. "What would I do with 200 camels? I don't smoke and you only smoke hand rolled ciggies."

Luckily, Mandy was out of earshot when he said this!

Thank you all soooo much for your kind words re my recent return to blogland.

Don't forget to pop back soon!

Desperately Seeking Susan?............................

Wonder where I've been?................

Long story......(isn't it always if I'm telling it?)

The last time we were "here", you'll remember that I was planning a visit to stay with my niece, Emily in Wiltshire who was expecting her second baby.

The family stategy was that I went down just before the baby was due, in case he came early.

I was relieved the next week by Laura, Em's sister.

Laura took her own little boy, Toby as a playmate for Em's little boy............

"Sleep where you like, but this cat's mine, geddit?"

My sister Mandy went down as the third contingent.

Jenson Alexander, with a wonderful flair for timing, arrived on Good Friday 22nd April whilst Mandy was there!

All is well and Harley is chuffed to bits with his new baby brother.

Here's a more recent pic................

************

Meanwhile, regarding my own brood..................

Number One son, Ali has a new job teaching Photography at a local College. (I don't care how clever he gets............I refuse to call him "Sir"!)

Ali has built his little girls a beautiful playhouse in their garden. Rosa's becoming as pretty as her big sister................

Evie and Rosa love the play house, and I've heard a family rumour that when they're in bed, their Mummy hides in there to avoid the ironing!

***********

Number Two son, Phil is keeping busy and has recently gone into a new business partnership.

He lives in Darlington and I had a lovely time last week when I went to stay with him and Claire for half term.

Granddaughter Hollie loves Primary School, and has become more confident in herself. She loves being a big sister! Jayden is walking now, and Hollie enjoys playing with him.

Oh Jay - you're SUCH a poser!

Jayden adores her! He's a lovely little lad, always smiling and flirting with the ladies!

***********

Other news.......................

Thank you so much for your emails asking where I was.

I'm sorry to have dropped off the planet, blogwise.

I have had some physiotherapy on my back, which has greatly improved. Because I am sleeping better, this has also improved my fibromyalgia symptoms, so I have been catching up on some much-needed domestic jobs.

So.............my oven is clean, my ironing basket is empty, and my mending pile has now vanished.

Emotionally speaking...........life without my late partner Liam is becoming easier. I still miss him terribly, but I try to stay positive.

***********

Daddio continues to improve following his minor stroke. He has resumed his Friday Boys' Night at his social club.

Mumsie is well, though a bit worn out from keeping her eye on him.

But..........she's still as daft as ever..........

ME: Mum, why do you wash out tin cans and milk containers and wrap stuff before you put them in the bin? You have the cleanest, tidiest rubbish I've ever seen!

MUMSIE: I don't know, really. You Dad says I've got JCB.

ME: JCB?!!! Don't you mean OCD?

MUMSIE: (in her attempt at an American accent.) What- evverrrr!

But even funnier.............

The consultant who is treating Dad for his stroke wants to check up on things.........

With this in mind, according to Mumsie....................

Dad's got to have an MFI scan, apparently!

***********

I'm off to read your blogs now!