Part Two - The Quatermass Experiment

Dear Bloggeroos, You may remember that yesterday I began The Tale of the Friendship Cake, and so, the story continues..................

So, I finally arrived at Maggie's house, luckily I had not forgotten to bring a few links of Best Lincolnshire Sage sausages.

These were thrown over her security gates to distract "Killer" and "Butch", two of Maggie's
ferocious guard dogs.

So my plan worked, they were eating out of my hand...............

literally.

With the dogs taken care of, I now only needed to get past "Leo". I had brought a tin of "Whiskas", but it was obviously not his favourite flavour.

Luckily I managed to fend him off with the After Eight Mints that I'd brought with me.

Maggie was not happy about this, after all they were supposed to have been for her.

Although she was over the moon that I'd brought my trusty old Space Hopper, and before you could say "knife", she whipped it off me, and went bouncing down the garden.

Her orchard backs onto Asda's Car Park, and luckily they were in the process of taking a toilet roll delivery so she had a soft landing.

By the time she'd got back, I'd made a pot of tea, and opened a couple of Waggon Wheels.

"I hope it's not next weekend that you're wanting the cake for, I've just won £300 at Bingo. Me and the Old Man are going to "Skeggy" for a few days."

"Oh, Maggie, you can't leave me in the lurch like this, what'll I do?"

I had not felt so disappointed since 1968.

That was the year that dear old Daddio used the Blancmange I'd made to stick up the polystyrene ceiling tiles in the kitchen.

Admittedly, the Blancmange was moving about much more than it should have been. (This would be hilarious if it wasn't true. I'm seriously not making that up!)

(You see how versatile my writing style can be?

Pathos and a little bit of Social History thrown in too!)

"How many cakes do you want?" she asked

"Well, I thought a nice round number. Four?"

(I said this as Mrs Felicity Understairs-Cupboard, or whatever her name was, only usually baked three. Obviously, it was important to me to get one up on her!)

Maggie sighed, "Do you think my Kenwood Mixer is jet propelled?"

I just stood there, mouth turned down like a banana on its side.

"Fear not, oh Susie me old friend," She said with a smile, "I've got just the thing!"

She beckoned me into her Pantry and opened the freezer. The she pulled out a large frozen blob from behind her buckets of "Haagendas"

"You can make some with this" she said, tapping the side of her nose and winking.

"Oh, you know I can't bake, Maggie" I protested, "You know I've already been reported to the R.S.P.C.O." (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ovens.)

And anyway, there didn't seem enough of the blob to make four cakes.

"This is a starter for a Friendship Cake Mix."

"Absolutely Idiot Proof, Anyone can make it."

OK you lot, stop sniggering or I won't tell you what happened next.......

So, I bundled the Blob along with these written instructions into my *Cath Kidston Tesco bag.

*(See Mondays blog post and have a go in my competition to win one of your own!)

• Every second day, stir in 2 cups of sugar, 1 cup of milk, 1 cup of flour. After four days, the mixture will have increased enough to split into 4 lots
• Give 2 to Friends, put 1 in the freezer, the 4th mix is then held back as a starter for your next lot.

I jumped up from my seat, full of hope, optimism, and Waggon Wheels.

Leaping over the security gates, I ran off like a young Lara Croft.

What would happen once I reached the posh side of town?

CHECK BACK TOMORROW TO DISCOVER WHAT HAPPENED IN MY KITCHEN WHILST MY BACK WAS TURNED!

If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake (with apologies to Miss Rosemary Clooney)

BEFORE YOU READ THIS TALE DON'T FORGET TO HAVE A GO IN MY COMPETITION TO WIN A CATH KIDSTON TESCO BAG ON MONDAY'S POSTING!

I would like to relate the first part of Tale of the Friendship Cake



(A.K.A. "The Quatermass Experiment of Mount Street")

(Effects - Fuzzy Flashback Scene, 1980's music playing quietly in the Background)

Yer know how there's a Celebrity "A" list and a Celebrity "B" list?

Well, have you ever noticed a similar phenonomen in the "Mums Who Gather at the School Gates" cliques?

(I have even heard these ladies referred to as the "Playground Mafia".)

And so it was, at my boys' infant school in 1986.

"A" List Mums - These were recognisable by.....................

Their orange skin (no tanning salons in Lincoln then)

Their perfectly applied make up and manicure

Rayban Sunglasses perched on top of their elegantly coiffured "Big Hair"

Huge shoulder pads. (Power dressing to intimidate us non "A" Listers)

Perfectly dressed children. (i.e. Their socks actually matched, would you believe it?)

Their kids were called Sebastian, Tristram, Nigel, Abigail, or Arabella

They had double barrelled surnames

Their hubbies were Merchant Bankers (Cockney rhyming Slang?)

They parked their 4X4's across 2 parking spaces

They attended every PTA meeting

They organised the Cake Stalls for the School Fund Raising events

I won't even bore you with the "B" listers, other than they were mainly aspiring "A" listers

but with bigger hair.

There were other cliques, of course, but I would barely reach the "F" list with my fluffy heel-trodden down carpet slippers, faded tabard pinny, and a roll-up ciggie stuck in me gob!

These women scared me, and I'm REALLY BRAVE!

( I'm even brave enough to use communal changing rooms at the local Swimming Pool.)

They would try to strike up a conversation with me, that started off,

"Sebastian's Violin Teacher said......." and then, after seeing me squirm with intimidation carried on

"Oh sorry, I forgot, your children only play the triangle and the marracas don't they?"

And so it was, that I made a decision to try to level things up a bit, and offer to make some cakes for the forthcoming "Bring and Buy Sale"

(Oh don't start groaning yet, you lot, cos there's worse to come)

My name is Sue, but these jumped up whatsernames always pronounced it

"Serr yue" to rhyme with DEW

"So then, Serr yue" says Felicity (Top Dog "A" Lister)

"are you going to make us something nice for the Cake Stall?"

She would do this to me every time.

Yer know - make me wriggle like a worm on the hook in front of everyone.

Then she would almost clap her hands in delight when I muttered, red faced, "I can't bake, sorry."

What these Ladies didn't know that my friend Maggie had promised to bake one for me in exchange for a packet of Mint Thins and a ride on my 1960's Space Hopper.

(What could possibly go wrong?)

(Now you can groan if you want to.)

And so it was that I, this intrepid explorer, found her way to Maggie's, on that side of our fair city, affectionately named ................

"It's Alright But I Wouldn't Want To Live There".

(Now that's a bit of a misnomer there, because it's where I live now - oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen!)

Most cities in our green and pleasant land have an area like the one where Maggie lived.

Recognisable by the local Police presence walking up and down the neighbourhood in packs.

These areas were also known as the place "Where the Kids bite the Dogs"

Of course, it's a VERY POSH area since I moved in, (Slow wink!)

I was sure that Maggie wouldn't let me down, and was hoping for something like this...........

or at the very least, this............

How was I to know that she was going on holiday..................

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW....................

Sheik, Rattle 'n' Roll, (with apologies to Mr Bill Haley)

Now I have finally got all the sand out of my Yashmak, I will tell the tales about my recent holiday.

When Youngest Son invited me to go East with him and his family on a caravan holiday, I jumped at the chance.

However, as is often the case with my middle-aged brain, my imagination got the better of me.

"Oooh! Caravan," I thought. This conjured up such images of this....

And this.........

And, maybe a little bit of.............

and a few mouthfuls of this.........

What my son actually meant by Going East was in fact, East Yorkshire

was THIS.....

Which meant putting up with this.................

This...........

and plenty of this................

The place we stayed at had a Family Club Room, ooooh dear, loads of these............

As children will often behave themselves better for other people, a few of us families decided that we should do a Baby Swap. (Just for the evening!)

We put all of our babies' dummies, (pacifiers) into a hat, closed our eyes and took out a dummy. We were then allocated the child who said dummy belonged to.

Someone got confused, cos I ended up WITH HIM!

Don't forget to check back tomorrow!

HAVE YOU ENTERED MY COMPETITION FROM YESTERDAY ?

THE PRIZE IS A BRAND NEW WITH TAGS CATH KIDSTON TESCO BAG

Cath Kidston Tesco Ottoman Roses Bag Giveaway

Do I have a lovely Shabby Chic free giveaway today?

YEP! I sure do.

THIS IS A GENUINE FREE GIVEAWAY COMPETITION.

The bag is brand new, unused and complete with tags.

All you have to do is look at the following list and leave a comment plus the number that you think is the correct answer on today's blog posting.

WHICH ONE OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS DO YOU THINK IS UNTRUE:

Be careful, the other 9 are absolutely TRUE!

1. I once met Country Singer Willie Nelson in a lift
2. I sat on Santa's knee when I was 33 years old
3. I ran up Lincoln High street with Jimmy Saville
4. I can't ride a bicycle
5. I met Billy Fury when I was 17 years old
6. I once had lunch with a Danish trapeze artist
7. I sat on Robbie William's toilet
8. I have had my photo on a Centre page spread
9. I have been engaged 4 times, but married only once
10. Except for Christmas Lunch and Weddings I never drink alcohol

RULES.........

Anyone can enter, even anonymous followers, and you don't have to have a blog of your own. Only one try per person please.

I will announce the Winner on Tuesday 19th May

In the event of a tie, I will choose a winner at random.

GOOD LUCK!

Don't forget to pop back tomorrow for my Holiday Tales

A Stitch in Time & Don't Forget to Have Your Oats

Hello my sweet bloggeroos - didya miss me? I had a lovely holiday with my youngest son, his missus, and my granddaughter. More of that later in the week.

I promised you all some more Hints and Tips on keeping your home running smoothly. So here goes...........................

A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE

We all know that if a garment needs mending, it is always wise to do this before laundering. I found this tip was especially useful to know in 1975.

Picture, if you will, the days of Bay City Rollers' tartan turn ups on our jeans,

Men in White Suits a la John Travolta,

and "Vesta Curry" was the height of sophistication.

The first Mr Dollytub and I bought a delightful little terraced house, right next door to our very best friends. We were very poor in those days and as we couldn't afford a washing machine, we had a weekly trek to the Launderette. (Oh, deep joy!) The Manageress at the Laundrette was our old school mate "Winalot Wanda" , (she wasn't called this 'cos she was lucky, it's 'cos she was a bit of a dog.) We really hated going in there, well Wanda put up some really awful posters. For instance, in the window...........

DROP YOUR PANTS HERE!

On the Dryers..............

WANT A FREE TUMBLE?

Honestly, I'd not been so embarrassed since I'd had my membership to the Tufty Club cancelled.

Someone we knew was throwing out an old twin tub. It leaked water and oil, but as it was Summer we decided to give it a home outside and we could do our laundry outside in the shared yard.

We christened this wonderful piece of 1950's engineering "The Animal". This was due to the fact that it leaked all over the yard like a puppy, and shredded our unmentionables as though savaged by a lion.

Soooooo.......

As you can imagine, being a New Wifey and hoping to astound my Young Hubby, I was always Superkeen to show off my domestic skills. (This was before I realised that just because you're female doesn't mean you know how to prepare Shepherds' Pie just because you once saw a picture of one in "Superwife" Magazine.)

I learned THIS MOST VALUABLE LESSON.............

Never try to save time by trying to mend an item of clothing whilst someone is still wearing it!

Believe me, you will only end up stitching something together that shouldn't be. I once had to cut Mr D out of his clothes so he could put his pyjamas on. I had stitched on a missing button not only to his shirt, but right through to his vest as well!

LABOUR SAVING BREAKFAST TIP

I don't know about you, but I can't be doing with all that "plates and cereal bowls" nonsense - far too much washing up.

(I would just like to say here that I always wash up once a week, whether I need to or not.)

"Porridge Fondue"

• Make a large saucepan full of porridge.



• Place saucepan in the middle of the table.



• Give each member of the family a large spoon.



• Everyone just dives in, fondue style.

The person who eats the last mouthful washes the pan and the spoons - There we go - sorted!

I HOPE YOU'LL POP BACK FOR MY NEXT POSTING WHEN I WILL ANNOUNCE A CATH KIDSTON GIVEAWAY !

I have read all of the blogs that I follow. Could anyone give me some techie help? I would like to put in links to some of the blogs I read.

Thanks a lot!

The Candy Man (with apologies to Mr Sammy Davis Jnr)

I just love these Candy Bracelets, don't you?

Can you believe it - I actually made this one.

I will now do a Tutorial on how to make one of your very own.

You will need:

I bought mine on Ebay

A piece of suitable elastic. (Old knicker elastic will do.)

Now, before I go any further, I would just like to ask you..............................

What are your thoughts on Drugs?

No,no,no!I don't mean those sort of Drugs

I'm referring to the medicinal ones prescribed by our Doctors.

I'm on several different tablets, but to be honest, I can take 'em or leave 'em.

Most of the time, I choose to take 'em.

(Which is a good job for all our sakes, otherwise my blog posts would go rambling on and on and not make any sense at all.)

I'm now assuming that you're still with me.

The next thing you need is a selection of tablets. The more different types you have the more colourful your bracelet will be.

Drill the centre of each tablet and thread on to elastic.

Te Darrrr!

As you can see with mine at the top, I have green, red, white, blue and yellow.

GREEN: To make me sleep

RED: To wake me up

WHITE: To make me go to the toilet.

Preferably after I've taken the Red one.;o)

BLUE: To help me with my memory problems

YELLOW: Erm......... I can't remember what I take these for.

To be honest, pretty as the bracelet is, the tablets - these wonderous examples of how much suffering can be alleviated in each of the four corners of the globe are, quite frankly.................

CRAP!

I'm off to the Seaside 'til next weekend, but don't worry I have everything I need

Don't forget to pop in again!

Where There's a Will There's a Way

Before I share with you the trials and tribulations I'm currently experiencing, I would just like to mention.................................





You may remember the last time I was on here that I ran off full of hopeful expectancy to greet my lover. Sad to say, Mr David Tennant was not a-rapping at my door. The clatter I heard was the sound of a very large iceberg detaching itself from the top of the freezer.

OH WOE IS ME, WOE IS ME!

Thank goodness you are there, girls. I needed something to cheer me up, and once again, you haven't let me down.




Many thanks for kind comments and emails.

Here are a few.................

FROM TENA LADY.......

"Well Done, Sue! I can't believe that we've had another bumper week of record sales. Keep up the good work. Kind regards, Major Wettam CEO Tena Lady inc.

P.S. Our Quality Control Dept. were horrified to read that some of your blog readers are having to resort to a mop & bucket. Would you suggest to them that they may need our industrial range of products. (Alternatively, Poundland are selling 2 string mop heads for £1.)"

FROM MY BEST FRIEND......

Oh dear, Sue - Have you gone completely mad?

FROM MY 2ND BEST FRIEND........

Have you forgotten to take your pills?

FROM LINDA, EX BEST FRIEND........


"I can't believe you told the whole www about my previous identity. Now I remember why I'm your Ex BF.





Leave me alone, or I'll tell the whole world about how you boast about "Working in Brussels" in 1973, as if you worked Overseas. I know for a fact that what you were actually doing was working in a barn for "Bird's Eye", trimmimg the brussel sprouts from their stalks with a potato knife.





Regards

Mrs Got-it-All (Formerly Leg over Linda)"

FROM ELDEST SON:




How many tablets are you on now?


P.S. I've popped something in the post for you.




FROM YOUNGEST SON:





Duchess is it true that you're changing your Will so that I inherit your prized collection of celebrity toenail clippings?





Mum, you are sooooooo cool!

P.S.I've popped something in the post for you.

P.P.S. How many tablets are you on now?

My two favourite sons (in fact my only sons.)

They're so hilarious.

In the post this morning I received TWO copies of this

Don't forget to pop back tomorrow, I have a Tutorial for you.