Someday my Prints Will Come..................

One day last week, I was waiting for my photo's to come back from Supasnaps.

I always get VERY excited when I'm waiting for something special to arrive in my post.

Before you start thinking, "This woman really should get out more." Let me tell you more.................

You may remember a while back I told you about Elvis, my postman.

Not the real Elvis, obviously :O)

You see my postie is an Elvis Impersonator in his spare time, so he always delivers the mail with a song.

Anyway, I could hear him coming up the path. This particular day he was singing,

"Get off the Aga, Granny - You're Too Old to Ride the Range."

Suddenly, he stopped singing.

He let out a sigh, and from my side of the door I could hear him mutterring,

"I wish people wouldn't use these stupid low letterboxes. Don't they know I've got a bad back from all that gyrating!"

I opened the front door, and there he was............

Lying prone in me porch.

"For Heaven's sake, Elvis," I said. "What are you doing down there?"

"Well, Missus. It says on the envelope................

*******

I hope my little tale made you smile, but as a postscript (no pun intended!)..............

When I was looking for the drawing above, I typed in "Lying Man" into search google images.

Here is one of the pics that came up...............

"I did not have sex with that woman."

Back soon!

Conspiracy Theory? PART TWO

Happy New Year!

So, my dear Bloggeroos, as promised, today I will tell you about my recent changes in consciousness, regarding much discussed government conspiracy theories....................

If you missed PART ONE click here

**************

You may remember that I said I would tell you all about the strange visitor who arrived

here at Dollytub Cottage, last week.

Now read on.......................

So.............

I'm sitting there..............

.............on the sofa.............

...............I'd finished sipping me cocoa.............

...........and chomping on a Wagon Wheel............

I am dozing by the fire.............

..............which BTW is switched off 'cos I'm such a tightwad............

Beep!..........Beep!...........Beep!

"My goodness," I thought, "Brad's early emptying the bins today."

For those of you who don't know, Brad Pitt is my dustman.

He got the job on account of him already owning suitable clothing, and a need to do a bit of moonlighting to pay for the upkeep of his 6 children.

He also makes large donations to charity

My Hero

............Where was I?...........

............oh, yeah!..............

Beep!...........Beep!...........Beep!

I looked out of the window..........

......it wasn't the dustbin lorry......

"Oh no! Not again!" I said to myself...........

"They're blocking my drive!"

I live on a very long avenue,

yet people continue to ignore all the suitable places they could park,

and insist on leaving their cars in a really dangerous place.

i.e. Blocking my driveway.

Dangerous?

Have you never seen me when I'm angry?

No?

Well - you wouldn't like it!

"That's an unusual vehicle," I thought.

"I wonder if it's the new Nissan everyone's talking about?"

I went to look for me specs..............

..............not on the mantelpiece...........

...........not on the chair arm..........

Eventually, I find them.............

..........on top of my head!

I put on me specs.........

It wasn't a Nissan, it was much, much bigger...........

It was a HUGE spaceship!!!!!!

A cute little guy stepped out.............

He reminded me of Ronnie Corbett

Ronnie C is on the right

Well,.......a bit............

"Hello, Missus," he said. "I'm Oozo from the planet Zog. Pleased to meet you."

He extended his hand to shake mine.

"My oh my!" I said, noticing the length of his fingers.

"You must get through an awful lot of Nivea."

"Yes, I do," Zog said. "But I know their CEO, and he gives me a good deal."

"What are you doing here?" I inquired.

"I'm doing a study on Humans. Mrs Got-it-all at number 26 sent me."

"She was sure you'll be able to help me."

He continued..................

, "According to her, you've got nothing better to do all day

than eat Wagon Wheels and drink cocoa."

"That's not strictly true," I said, with disdain.

"I also read certain pages from several back issues of the Radio Times.........

.........and a much dog-eared copy of "Firefighters for You."

I also told him about my other hobbies. About getting engrossed in separating the vowels from the consonants in my Alphabet Soup, plaiting the tassels on my curtain tie-backs, and other equally exciting pastimes.

"What would you like to know?" I asked him.

"All sorts of things, really. I just thought that if you carry on with your usual everyday tasks, I could make notes and ask you questions. Is that OK?" he asked.

"I'm happy to oblige, but nothing much happens here."

I continued...............

"If you don't mind my saying, you speak English beautifully."

Slightly embarrassed, he licked his finger and straightened his non-existent eyebrows.

"Thanks. I bought a Linguaphone language course off ebay."

By now, I was shivering. "Come inside, you must be frozen," I said.

"Not really, it's -15 centigrade on my planet." he said.

About the same temperature as Dollytub Cottage I mused.

He should really feel at home.

At that moment, Elvis came up the avenue towards us.

Not the real Elvis, obviously. (I don't take that many tablets. Tsk!)

and anyway...........

Everybody knows that the real Elvis works at McDonalds in Chicago.

I'm talking about Elvis, my Postie.

A very talented man.

Although his "Return to Sender" jokes wear a bit thin after a while.

"Morning, Duck," says Elvis. "Loads of post for you today."

He walked past Zog and me and pushed a huge wad of mail through my letterbox.

Zog scratched his huge shiny head. "Isn't that mail for you, then?" he asked.

"Of course it is." I replied.

Zog took out a notebook and licked his pencil.

"Why didn't the postman just hand it to you?"

"It's the law. Even if the postie knows you really well, like he knows Mrs Legover at number 35," I give a slow wink, "he still has to shove it into your letterbox." I said.

Mrs Legover at No 35

I could tell by the look on his face, studying Humans may be more difficult than he thought!

.....to be continued......................

This post comes courtesy of Almus Pharmaceuticals who provide the necessary means to keep me healthy and happy beyond description.

I openly applaud them.........

(but not too loudly, as I've got a bit of a headache)

*******

For my post about Brad Pitt Dustbin Man click here