Life's Little Luxuries!

Okay, Ladies! Hands up those of you who can remember the days before email.

Oh good, I'm not the only one on here with silver hair. (Well, it is silver underneath the old L'Oreal anyway.)

For the benefit of my younger bloggeroos, before the joys of instant electronic mail - we used a fax machine. (see pic.)

Before I retired from the "Real World" I worked in publishing. (Newspapers, Magazines, Promotional Literature.)

In the late 1990's I worked in the Special Publications Department at the Lincolnshire Echo. As well as the monthly publications being distributed in the Echo, we also printed 10,000 copies on heavier gauge paper that were mailed out throughout the whole of Britain. These were posted out from a Mailing House company in Yorkshire.

We had one fax for the whole floor, approx. 100 of us. Sometimes the queue to use the fax machine was so long, there was talk of employing a busker to entertain us while we waited!

Each month we had to fax over a delivery report to the Mailing House. This would be about 20 pages long, and would take ages to go through.

One day, the fax at the Mailing House wasn't working properly. Sid 'phoned me to ask me to send it to him again.

I looked over my shoulder - there were six colleagues queueing at the fax.

I told him there was a bit of a queue for the fax and that I'd try again after lunch.

In the afternoon, before I'd had a chance to send the report again, the 'phone rang..........

ME: Special Publications, Sue speaking.

SID: (with no pre-amble whatsoever) We've got no paper. I haven't even got a spare roll in the cupboard.

ME: Oh, dear, Sid. That's a terrible state of affairs! Have you had a visit from the Andrex puppy?

Sid then realised the comedy in what he'd said, and we both had a giggle.

He continued with a mock posh professional voice.......

SID: In view of the paper situation, I wonder, Miss, if you would kindly send the report by Royal Mail, First Class?

I answered him in my mock posh professional voice

ME: Why of course Mr Nugent. Always happy to help. Consider it done!

SID: You're so kind.

We both hung up and I put the 20 page report in an A4 envelope.

Before I stuck it down, I went into the Ladies' Room and enclosed..............................

Two sheets of toilet paper

I also enclosed a compliments slip and wrote:

Hope this helps!

The next day I received the following from their company............

FAX COVER SHEET

URGENT!!!!!!

FOR THE ATTENTION OF

SUE SMITH, FARMING ECHO

FROM: SID NUGENT, YORKSHIRE MAILSHOTS LTD.

Thank you for the speedy despatch of 20 page report for Farming Echo mailshot.

Although it was very kind of you to sympathise with our current paper shortage, I feel it only fair to give feedback from my employees………….

“The quality of the paper was inferior and the quantity insufficient”

Still, I suppose it’s the thought that counts!

Hugs and kisses

Sid

XXXX

This is a true story!

A Further Tale of Daddio's Magical Mystery Tour

This post follows on from my previous tale about my Dad's wonderful happy experience from the morphine he received after open heart surgery.

I spent a lovely few hours with Mum and Dad yesterday, (so nice not having to compete with my siblings and children for my turn hanging on to Mumsie's apron strings!)

I was telling them that I'd related the story of Dad's hallucinations and Mumsie told me of another one he'd had one day when she was alone with him in his hospital side ward.

Apparently, one of his doctors had a hairdo like mine used to be before I cut it with the wallpaper scissors. The picture above bears a very close resemblance!

They were chatting away and Daddio said to Mum:

"Aye up, Manageress,"(Dad's pet name for Mum!) "The doctor's sat outside the door waiting to come in."

Mum looked towards the half glazed door, "Where? I can't see her."

"She's sitting on that chair just outside the door," he said, pointing.

Mum looked again. There was no doctor.

The only thing that was there, standing on a small table, was this...............

She giggled and said,

"You soft sod!"

For my previous post about my haircut, see here First Cut is the Deepest.

Happy, Hap-hap-happy, Happy Talk!

A few years ago, our family had a very worrying few months when dear old Daddio had to have a triple bypass heart operation. Even so, he still managed to raise a giggle in us, the day following his surgery.......................

Daddio is a very proud man, and until that time us children had never before seen him without his shirt, without a close shave or without his teeth.

All of this added to the trauma of seeing him in the Intensive Care Unit with all the drips, monitoring equipment, and oxygen mask that accompany such procedures.

Thankfully, Dad was completely unaware of all of this - one of the drips contained morphine. Anyone who has experience of morphine will know that some patients have nightmares, while for others it can be a happy 'trip'.

Daddio was lucky and had not just a happy experience, but a hilarious one!

His bed was in a side ward, with windows all around it looking out, making it easy for the staff to keep an eye on him.

We were gathered outside it, taking in turns to go in and see him, one at a time.

When I saw him, I tried not to let him perceive my fear. I leant over the bed and gave him a kiss.

"What are you laughing at?" He wrongly assumed I was shaking with laughter.

"I'm not laughing," I told him.

"Were you joining in with that lot?" he pointed over to the far corner of the main ward.

"Them! Them nurses over there hiding behind that big Notice Board."

"They've been behind there all day, smoking and giggling! They keep making me laugh and it pulls on my stitches"

THERE WAS NOBODY THERE!

I thought it best to humour him, "I'll ask them to be quiet on my way out, shall I?"

"No, they're obviously happy in their work," he said.

Over the next 20 minutes or so, we all went in and out. The whole time he was laughing.

We all went back in to quickly to say cheerio. He was still laughing, and Mumsie asked,

"For God's sake! What ARE you laughing at?"

"The telly. I've not seen this episode of Dad's Army before and it's a really good one." He was pointing over at the wall.

There was no telly on the wall......................

but there was..............................

one of these!.............................

Theme of the "Twilight Zone" playing gently in the background........

The spooky part was, a few weeks later during Dad's recovery at home, there was a previously lost episode of Dad's Army shown on the BBC and Daddio swears it was the one he'd "seen" in hospital that day!

Stars in my Eyes................

Regardless of any skills we may or may not have, most of us think there is ONE GREAT TALENT hidden inside our souls.

Some of us think we could write a best selling novel.

Some of us think we could wow Simon Cowell with our rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

Me?

Oh, that's easy - I was BORN TO DANCE.

(Okay, stop laughing at me you lot - it's MY vision!)

Yes - I know I'm in my 50's

Yes - I know I have problems with my joints and wake up so stiff that it takes me 30 minutes , 2 cups of coffee, and 2 painkillers before I can get out of bed.

We're not talking reality here - we're talking Dreams and Imagination. (Of which I have bucketloads!)

As a little girl I wanted to be ....................................

A Bluebell Girl

or a .................

Can-Can Dancer

or better yet,...........................

one of the Tiller Girls at the London Palladium!

When I was a child, Len was our local greengrocer. He made his deliveries by horse and cart.

Three times a week Len and a German lady who worked for him, would ride round our streets selling fruit and vegetables, most of which they grew themselves on a nearby small-holding.

They were such characters! Sadly, Len and his wife could have no children themselves - but they loved kids and made time to chat to us and give us toffee apples and the like.

Not hard to believe, but I was a real chatterbox. Len always asked me what I'd been up to and never tired of my endless tales of what I'd done.

Everytime I finished my nattering he would say,

"What a long tail our cat's got!"

(I always laughed loudly, even though I didn't understand it. Then again, neither did the German lady who was with him!)

One day, I was aged about 4, the conversation went something like this.............

Len: Now then, young Susie. What have you been up to?

Me: Mummy has been teaching me to skip with my skipping rope.

Len: Did yer Mum do it first to show you how?

Me: Yes, Uncle Len. She did.

Len: I thought so. I see the council are laying new pavements!

We all laughed. (Mum could never be described as 'skinny')

Len: Skipping, eh? That'll make you fit.

Me: I hope so. When I grow up I'm going to be a dancer on Sunday Night at the London Palladium.

Len: Are you really? You need really long legs for that.

Me: I have look here!

I lifted my dress and bent over

Me: See! They go right from my shoes - straight up to my bum!

As if the memory of the embarrassment wasn't enough, years later the German lady became my Mother-in-Law!

And Baby Makes Three, or Four, or even More!...........

Hello my dear sweet bloggeroos.

Before launching into my notions and observations on Family Planning, I would like to say that I was very touched by your kind comments on my previous post about my dear Mumsie. She is a great support to our family and also to her friends.

She is both loving and generous. She has never lost sight of the little girl inside her, and finds pleasure in the simple things.

Mumsie didn't have an easy childhood; her father was a strict Captain in the Salvation Army dying when she was only 13. Nanna went on to do a marvellous job of raising 7 children alone.

As you may have seen in my previous posts, Mum can also be a bit naughty and so very funny.

I'm pleased that I am able to convey her specialness and that you enjoyed reading about her.

(Oooooh, my eyes are leaking a bit here!)

Righty-o then - tissues down - Tena Lady at the ready?

Today, I thought I would tackle the delights of Family Planning..............

I have thoroughly researched the various methods for my dear readers, (nothing is too much trouble for you Sweet Darlings of mine!)

I must say, I was surprised at how much things have changed since I was still young enough to worry about such things.

Some things have changed a lot...................................

For instance:

"Jumping-up-and-down," and "100 jumps over your skipping rope" are no longer considered a reliable method, fancy that!

Such a well loved method of birth control right up to the early 1970's!

Then, of course, there's the Rhythm Method, so popular with many Roman Catholics. (Many, many, many Catholics, apparently!)

Although I never understood quite how this worked.

After you set this thing going, what next?

The Rhythm Method is also called your Safe Period, not to be confused with..................

The VERY Safe Period - The time in the day when a housewife invites in the tradesmen whilst hubby is out at work all day!

One change that I was pleased about was the Diaphragm

Yer see, we always referred to this as a "Dutch Cap".........................

and I always wondered where the pointy bit was supposed to go!

I was also pleased about changes with the "Coil"

The modern version gives none of the problems of the old metal coils.

They're now made of Plastic! Tsk, well - you live and learn!

Condoms...............................

Apart from preventing pregnancy, they also protect you from disease.

Unfortunately, they don't protect you from idiots!

A more recent addition to our list of choices is "The Cup".

I don't know much about this, but I think it's a lovely idea.........................................

I quite like this one!

(Does one keep hold of the handle?)

Next up is the Pill............

So many pills to pick from - I always chose the ones that were the best colour match to my shoes.

Once your family is complete, you may suggest to your other half that he has a vasectomy...

Some men don't fancy the "Snip". If he's reluctant, convince him by sticking this pic over your bed!

I hope you have found this post informative.

If you still can't decide on the right method for you, you can always pop in here.......

Or, if all else fails....................

Don't forget to pop by to Dollytub Cottage soon!

If you have enjoyed this post, you might also like these previous ones if you missed them.

You can read them by clicking on the links here:

Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou - A Guide for the Modern Woman on Dating

What's in my Bag - An in-depth look into my handbag,

and don't forget to read these useful household hints and tips here..............

A Stitch in Time and Don't Forget Your Oats

When Words are Not Enough!

My Mum absolutely adores children, and we all had a lovely childhood.

I have one brother and one sister.

Les is 5 years older than me, and Mandy is 5 years younger.

I've not written a humorous post today, but I hope you'll enjoy it, nevertheless.

One of the best things about having a 5 year age gap is, that as pre-schoolers, we all had the benefit of Mumsie's undivided attention all through the day.

When Mandy went to school, Mumsie didn't know what to do with herself! She decided to become a childminder.

In those days, this wasn't regulated the way it is today, and minders were called "Aunties".

Even today, we can be walking round town, and there will be a cry of,

"Cooeee, Aunty Aud!" and one of her charges will run up and give her a hug.

She always found great ways to keep us amused, and never complained if we made a mess.

Mum would make great games to play - she would put up the ironing board on a low height, rifle the pantry for tins of food and play shops. Sometimes she'd throw a blanket over the clothes horse and we played tents!

The garden these days is well tended, with neat lawns and fences. It was a different thing in our childhood; there would chalked out hopscotch and the grass threadbare from all the playing!

We would play skipping - with a "borrowed" bit of clothesline, tied to the fence at one end, Mumsie at the other end, turning the rope for us.

She would always find activities to do. She taught me to sew and knit, and once she made a cardboard 'loom' and taught me to weave.

One of my earliest memories from when I was about 3 years old, is finding some red dead nettles near Daddio's shed. (See pic) I thought they were absolutely beautiful, and picked a handful for Mum.

As all good mummies know, on such occasions, we beam a grateful smile to our offspring, and put such 'treasures' in water in an eggcup.

I would pick some everyday all Summer long each year, right up 'til I started school aged five. Every time, Mum would gush with thanks, and put them in the windowsill.

************

Fast forward through time..................

I got divorced in my late thirties, I really loved my job, but I didn't earn much money. I wanted to buy a house, but I could only get a tiny mortgage. I saw just the right house, quite near Mum and Dad, and close to my sons' school.

It had been repossessed, and needed loads of work, but I put in an offer and was delighted when it was accepted!

That was the good news, the bad news was that it had been rented out to really bad tenants. They'd had three dogs, and the place smelt awful and was filthy!

To give you an idea on the state of the place - it took a whole afternoon for my Aunty Bert (her name's Bertha!), me and Mumsie to clean the kitchen floor. (Did I mention it was filthy!)

Mum and Dad weren't in much of a position to help me financially, but they gave loads of practical help.

All of my family gave tremendous support, but especially Mum.

(Dad, like most men of his generation, happy to put up a few shelves - but doesn't do 'emotion' :O)

A few days after I finally moved in, I wanted to get Mum something special, but couldn't find the right present. Nothing could say what I truly felt.

I was going to my parents for the weekly Saturday Lunch. As I went to get into my car, I spotted some red nettles growing under the hedge. I knew I'd found my present!

I picked a handful, and carefully laid them on the passenger seat.

When I arrived, with my face beaming, I held them out to Mum. She smiled all over her face, and hugged me. As she was putting them in an eggcup, Daddio came into the kitchen, and asked,

"What have you got there, Manageress?" (His pet name for Mum!)

" Never you mind!" she said to him. "I've just got THE best present, but you wouldn't understand."

Then she wiped the corner of her eye on her pinny, and put the 'flowers' in the windowsill.

**************

I'm working on a post for you all about Family Planning, it's one of my hints and tips posts that you like so much, with loads of pics. Don't forget to pop back will you?