I'm Loving Angels Instead - Part Two

You may remember in my previous post, I mentioned that I need some practical help around the house now that I am a widow.

I placed a card in the Newsagent's window.......

Local widow seeks Handy Man, must be fit

Apply in person at

Dollytub Cottage

Imagine my surprise today when I heard a knock at the door, and there, standing before me was none other than..........

Brad Pitt

"Hello again, how lovely to see you," he whispered softly, grooming one eyebrow with a moistened finger.

"Oh it's you," I grunted. (Yes, I know he's DEFINITELY fit, but read on.......)

"What d'ya want? I'm a very busy woman you know. I've got potatoes to dust, and my clothes pegs to pair up."

(Did I mention I have leanings to obsessive compulsive disorder?)

He looked down at the floor and shuffled uncomfortably and said,

"I've just been talking to Legover-Linda in the newsagents and she pointed out your card in the window advertising for a Handy Man."

He looked up at me with his big puppy eyes.

(He had to look UP, he's only 4feet 10inches in real life, yer know.)

I told him as kindly as I could,

"Sorry, Brad, Ducky. I'd love to help you, I really would. I know how much babies drain your cash. But, I'm afraid I've not forgiven you for what happened last Summer."

He walked slowly back to my gate. He turned and blew me a kiss and whispered,

"I'm sorry."

So he should be!

I'm sure you'll agree when I tell you what he did to me last Summer.

Not many people know that when Brad is between filming, he earns extra money for his family by moonlighting as a refuse collector.

He was offered the job when Lincoln City Waste Management Department noticed that one of his costumes looked almost identical to the safety waistcoats worn by their operatives.

He obviously looked the part and after he'd passed his Refuse Operative's audition.

(Wolf whistling and shouting "Ello Darlin'") They set him on working with the lovely group of lads who empty the bins on my road.

One particular morning, it had taken me even longer to get bathed and dressed then usual. I'd not put my bin at the kerb.

I heard the truck coming up the street and ran out as fast as I could pulling the bin behind me..

"Cooooeeeeeeee!" I shouted, "What about me?"

Brad was riding on the step thing at the back and when he saw me running he banged on the side of the lorry so the driver stopped.

Before I knew what was happening, the lorry stopped, Brad pulled me up with one arm, stood me at the side of him on the step, and banged on the side again. The lorry sped up off up the road with me hanging on to Brad.

Not only was I scared for my life, I was speechless. (Yes! Really!)

"We'll drop you off at the Bus Stop, Luv." He shouted to me above the drone of the crusher.

I was nearly crying, "I don't want the Bus Stop. I'm supposed to be going to the Bingo."

"Even better" he said. "We're going back to the Depot now. We'll drop you off on the way."

The louder I protested, the more he seemed to smile and ignore me.

I wasn't even wearing a jacket.

Oh well, I'm here now, I thought.

I won all the bingo games that day. I stank so much, that as I walked in, everyone else went out.

The payouts were a bit low though.

Obviously!

Previous posts: about Legover-Linda Here

More Laundry Tips & A Fridge Too Far

Following on from yesterday's laundry tips..........................

TIP 3. After separating the light stuff from the dark stuff, check all pockets for loose change. Put one lot of washing in the machine, switch on and then go off to Bingo with the money you've found. (Please note: As far as I know Gala Bingo does not accept paper clips, bits of string or conkers.)

TIP 4. Always have a third pile of laundry. This will consist of those awful Hawaiin print shirts Hubby insists on wearing, your teenage sons t-shirts with very rude slogans on, and any far-too-revealing, skimpy tops that belong to any daughter under the age of 21. Wash these altogether on VERY HOT. This renders the offending garments completely unwearable with a bit of luck. If any item has not been ruined, repeat the process. Practice your look of apologetic horror in front of the mirror during the spin cycle.



HOW TO CHECK THE FRIDGE BEFORE GOING SHOPPING.

Before opening the fridge door, make sure you have an old floorcloth handy in case of any escaping fluids. (I do this ever since a particular day last Summer, when........ No, I won't go into the gorey details, but suffice to say my toenails have still not grown back!)

Once the fridge door is open, remove and discard any item growing fur, and also any milk cartons whose contents are no longer moving about.

Just a short note here about brown slime, this will be found in the salad drawer. This was once a lettuce - it is no longer fresh. (This is confirmed by distinct lack of the colour green or anything remotely resembling a leaf.)

It is at this point that I check any cans of lager, bottles of "Snowballs" etc. To make sure that the fridge is working correctly and keeping drinks cold enough drink at least one of the cans/bottles. Sometimes even after trying a can or two, I still need to satisfy myself that any drink my family needs is the correct temperature. (It's an awful job, but someone has to do it!)

You don't need to check orange juice. Your children will quaff this straight from the carton and swallow it so quickly, they won't know if it's cold or not.

Now you know what needs replacing from the supermarket. Don't forget to replace the beer and snowballs. Don't forget to take your own carrier bags. This not only earns you extra loyalty points, but if you use nice thick carriers, the neighbours won't be able to count how many beers you've bought. Right then, off you go................................