Car Advice for the Single Woman...........

Thank you so much for your welcome comments on my previous post.

Today, I would like to give some practical advice for the single woman.

I received this letter recently from a poor woman who's husband has left her..............

Dear Aunt Susie,

I am at my wit's end. I got married recently and before the confetti had been swept away, my husband ran off with our next door neighbour.

I hope they'll be very happy together...............

My main concern is how to look after my car now that he's gone.

I know that you've lived alone for a while and I've been told that you're absolutely ace at coping with the single life.

Yours sincerely,

Millie Nomates

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Poor girl!

Here's a few hints and tips to keep you going............................

Your car needs water,

This is for the windscreen washers and radiator.

You also need oil,

I don't know where it goes in the car. If you break down, lift the car bonnet, and smear a little on your face.

Don't forget to put on your most helpless expression.

Before long, any man worth his salt will stop to help you.

What to do if your car won't start.................

1. Has it got petrol?

2. Is it your car? Cars aren't just defined by what colour they are. They also come in various sizes. Just because it's in Asda's Car Park, it's blue, and it's roughly in the area you parked doesn't mean it's yours. A dead giveaway that you're trying someone else's vehicle is that the key won't fit.

3. Have you disarmed the immobiliser.

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This is NOT an immobiliser.........................

This is a wheel clamp. To get the clamp removed you will need.......

A credit card

A short skirt

Winning smile

..........or any combination of the three!

4. Is your starter motor sticking? If so, just tap it with a hammer.

(I don't know where it is either, but it makes me sound clever!)

5. Is the battery flat? Always keep a set of jump leads in your boot.

This will really impress the guys cluck-clucking round your car.

If you're still wearing the short skirt and winning smile, they will absolutely fall over each other to give you a jump...............

and, who knows? They may even start your car! (Oooooh norty me!)

I have some further car advice to give, so don't forget to pop back will you?

A Single Man's Guide to Marriage..............

or....................

Do you really know what you're letting yourself in for?

Well, dear bloggeroos, as you can see - once again I have received an absolute mountain of mail. (Honest!)

Here is a pic of me surrounded by all your letters.

Don't you think I have more than a passing resemblance to Marilyn Monroe since giving up the coco pops?

I received a heart rending letter from a young man. He is fast approaching his 30's and feels it's time for him to settle down and so he has asked for my advice on marriage.

Now, although I have only been married once - I have been engaged FOUR times. (Hehe - you think I'm joking?)

Nevertheless, I was married for 19 years and I have an excellent reference from my ex-hubby.

In my opinion, that makes me an expert! (Good grief! I have so many strings to my bow.)

Here we go, then.....................

Dear Mr Never-Dunnit,

Making the decision to take a wife should not be done lightly. There are many mysteries about the feminine gender, and so, I hope you will find the following advice useful.

This fact sheet is particularly useful

There are also some differences you need to be made aware of as regards to appearance.

The stunning beauty who steals your heart, will not make such an effort once she has you under her spell and signed you up for a joint bank account.

For instance, LEGS

Those lovely 'pins' that look so sexy in a pair of brand new 10 denier stockings, will no longer quicken your heartbeat when they are sporting a 3 day growth and fluffy slippers..........

What about those beautifully manicured 'tootsies'?

..........this is all an illusion, my friend.

After 3 months of marriage, this is what to expect.................

Sexy underwear?..............................

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, but after a dozen whizzes round in the old Indesit 1200 - the support does tend to diminish somewhat..............

A terrible shame, but one of those facts of life your mother never told you about!

Many women have beautiful hair............................

Surprisingly, we ladies don't wake up with our hair looking like this.

It takes time and the trouble to look this good....................

I'm sure that I have now given a more balanced view on what to expect.

I DO hope that none of these little feminine secrets has changed your mind about looking for a wife.

After all, think of the benefits.

The main one of course, is having someone to come home to............................

I hope you find love soon!

Best wishes

Aunt Susie

I still have many more problems to answer, so do pop back soon!

The Trouble with Kids..........................

Hello my dear bloggerroos!

Once again my post bag is bursting with your letters. I read every one of them, and despair at the amount of suffering in the world - but that's husbands for you!

I receive many requests for advice about child rearing, so all of today's problems centre on child care.

I am, of course, considered an expert in childcare.

I have seen Mary Poppins three times. (The film, not the blog.)

I am also a follower of Spock.......................

No, no, no!

Not HIM!

.........

HIM............................

Far more logical!

On the topic of ears, I received an impassioned plea from one of my followers about the family trait of sticky out ears...................

Dear Mrs Gollum,

Oh how very unfortunate! First of all, don't make matters worse. When baby needs lifting from his cot- stop picking him up by his ears.

Have you tried this helpful ploy suitable for the whole family?............................

Best wishes

Aunt Susie

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I've had an email from Mrs Bunn from the Baker's Shop. She is having trouble with her little boy picking his nose.................

Apart from stating the obvious, i.e. don't let him serve any customers in your shop.

I've always found this solution the best..........................

This cure also works for nail biting, and "that thing" little boys do inside their trousers!

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Are you having trouble with sleepless nights?

Fun if you're a newly-wed. Not so great when it's your baby keeping you awake.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, I never had a sleepless night with my two lads.............

Do you see how easy bringing up baby can be?

Just use your common sense. Sometimes thinking "outside the box" can render an answer.

***************

Mrs Lott is having problems with her daughter, Mona.

Mona never stops complaining. She's also a cheeky little madam.

The ideal solution?

(It's no coincidence that when I worked as a Dental Assistant, I specialised in Orthodontics!)

And finally...............................

A bit of help for all those vegetarians Mums out there who are trying to convince their children to give up meat.

Subtlety is the key here. Whistling the theme to "Watership Down" whilst they're eating their tea isn't just cruel - it's ineffective.

Explain to them about Mad Cow Disease and why you don't want them to visit Macdonalds

If all else fails, when they ask for roast lamb, cover it in mash potato and serve like this.........

........................

I hope you Mums out there have found something useful in today's blogpost.

Remember, bringing up children is supposed to be fun.

They are little packages of love, sent to us from God..............................

It just doesn't always seem that way, does it?

Putting the World to Rights.................

Hello there my dear Bloggeroos!

Well, as usual my postbag and inbox is full of your trials and tribulations. Without further ado, let's see what we have today..........................

I've got a little behind this week, and need to catch up.

For this reason, I won't be publishing the letters - just the answers.

But I'm sure the advice will still be useful.

Dear Baldilocks

I'm so sorry that your hairstyle didn't quite turn out as you imagined. I think it's disgusting the way Nigel keeps talking on the phone whilst cutting your hair.

I'd be angry too!

Now, as luck would have it, my Uncle Jeremy used to enjoy a few fondant fancies with "Mr Teezie Weezie", the famous celebrity hairdresser of the 1950's. Uncle Jeremy picked up some great tips!

He has asked me to pass on the following advice................

Here are your choices...........................

A comb-over

No?

What about....................................

A wig

Don't fancy that either?

Well, then. There's only one other option, I'm afraid...........................

Good Luck!

Aunt Susie

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Oh, goodness - is that the time?

I'd better go a bit quicker....................

Dear Frustrated of Frome,

You need new batteries, ducky.

Love Aunt Susie

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Dear Itchy of Hitching,

No wonder you had trouble swallowing!

I suggest you read the leaflet.

Then.................................

Best wishes

Aunt Susie

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Dear Mrs Newlywed,

I'm so pleased the wedding went off ok and the honeymoon hotel is so lovely.

Don't worry, I'm sure that when your husband cuddles up to you during the night..........

.....................

He DOESN'T have a gun in your back.

Have a great time

Aunt Susie

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Well, I think that's made few of my ladies a bit happier!

Don't forget to pop back soon, will you?