Oranges are Not the Only Fruit

Many years ago, I worked in the offices of Sunblest Bakeries.

One of my tasks was to check the paperwork of the delivery drivers.

They were allowed to claim back charges for returns, damaged goods, and wholesale discounts to any shops they delivered to.

It was my job to check and make sure that all claims were genuine.

Oh, they were a naughty lot sometimes and would submit some really cheeky claims.

I got one once that was claiming £1.20 because he'd been late back from his deliveries and his wife had to get a taxi to the dentists!

One day there was a claim from one of the chaps had submitted, it read.........

"CUSTOMER COMPLAINT

Replacement for small sliced loaf - HANDBAG TYPE"

I went down into the canteen and shouted across to him,

"Hey, Steve. Can I see you before you go home?"

He nodded taking another bite from his bacon buttie.

Ten minutes later he popped his head round the door to my office.

"Was it about that claim for the loaf?" he asked.

"I don't understand your claim - HANDBAG type. What's that mean?"

"Hang on, I'll fetch it." he said.

He came back with a loaf like this.........................

What a great description this was! The phrase even became part of our office vocabulary.

I must have heard all sorts of tall tales accounting for missing stock. (For instance, one day a customer's dog had jumped into the back of the bread van and ate some fairy cakes!)

Some of the claims were at my discretion, so you can imagine how nice they were to me!

I always tried to be fair, and was never swayed. No matter how much chocolate or packets of Spangles they left on my desk, if they couldn't prove it or get their Manager's signature - I didn't allow it.

Pete had just finished his first week with us and when he came in to collect his paperwork from me, he put one apple and one orange on my desk.

Every single Friday without fail, he left them on my desk.

One particular Friday afternoon, two of the lads Dave and Bob came in for their paperwork.

DAVE: "Why do you always have an apple and an orange on your desk every Friday?"

ME: "Pete gives them to me."

DAVE: Yeah, but why is it always an apple and an orange?

ME: I don't know.

BOB: I do, it's because he's heard you've got a "nice pear" and the other fruits are to go with it.

ME: Oh, you cheeky devil!

Devil or Angel? & What About Billy Fury?

Before I continue my saga about my meeting with Billy, I would like to thank my kind bloggeroos for their messages and awards. I don't think I've ever had a cold that made me feel so poorly or lasted that long before. (I will add the awards over the weekend when I will have sussed out how to add them etc!)

Where were we?..................Oh yes........

The Night I Met Billy Fury

The year was 1973, I was at The Flying Bowman Club at RAF Scampton. Billy Fury had had health problems and was now relaunching his career following a heart operation. This was in the wake of a new album and his appearance with David Essex in the film "That'll Be The Day."

I knew Nick the booking agent for the club and had asked him to get me an autograph.

So there we were, Sidesaddle Sally, Showalot Sharon, Legover Linda, and me.

We were all balancing our glasses of Babycham, puffing on our Player's No. 6, and dancing round our Freeman Hardy and Willis handbags that were arranged in a heap on the dance floor.

(God, we were sophisticated in those days, doncha think?)

Just as I was rearranging the pop socks inside my bra for the umpteeth time, Nick came out of the door that led to the dressing rooms and beckoned me me with a gentle

"Oi you! You with the black satin flared trousers !"

I ran over quite quickly and ladylike considering the huge platform shoes I was wearing.

Not only had Nick got me Billy's autograph, it was a signed photograph!

Now, it has been said in the past that I have neither tact or diplomacy as a character trait.

In my own defence, I will say that this is because both of my grandfathers were of good Yorkshire stock.

Yorkshire people are famous for their plain speaking, so, on seeing his photo I blurted out,

"Oh my God! What the hell's happened to his hair?"

It was really bouffant and he looked like Mrs Slocombe.

I was brought up to be polite and thanked Nick profusely and he told me Billy's hair was different in the flesh. I walked back over to me mates, holding his pic close to my heart.

Just as I'm about to join in bopping to a bit of Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, Nick reappears and beckons me again.

"Come with me, you can see for yourself, he would like to meet you!"

I followed Nick through the door and Billy was standing there, waiting. Yes! Waiting for ME!

Anyone will tell you that I'm not shy and certainly not known for blushing, (except for the time aged 9 that I curtsied during the Military Two Step at Dance Class and ripped me drawers!)

He was soooo gorgeous!

My face was flushed and my heart was beating so fast, I thought I would die.

"It's lovely to meet you," he said

I wanted to say, "It's lovely to meet you too, and your hair is great tonight"

What I actually said was, "Ner mer ner mer ner"

He smiled at me and gently took my hand. He had beautiful twinkly eyes and he laughed.

"I always find meeting someone new nerve wracking too. I won't bite, promise."He said

He made me feel so relaxed. Then he said, "You're a bit young to like my stuff."

So I explained about having older cousins and my liking for 50's and 60's music.

"What's your favourite?" he asked.

"Devil or Angel", I replied.

"Wow, I'm impressed. You DO know my music. Most people say "Halfway to Paradise"

We chatted a bit longer, I told him I liked his hairstyle.

He was lovely. so shy and unassuming. We said our goodbyes and he gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek.

I knew, even then, that I would never forget meeting him.

I joined me mates. Billy came on stage.

After a few songs, he looked out across the audience. He had his hand up to his eyes against the glare of the spotlight.

"I met a lovely young lady here tonight, and this song is for her. Where are you, Sue?"

I was jumping up and down. "I'm here Billy, I'm here!"

He sang "Devil or Angel" all the time looking out at me. He made me feel so special.

Sadly, Billy died in 1983, aged 42. I will never forget him.

A few years ago I went to see a tribute night to Billy Fury. The chap singing was excellent and sounded quite like Billy. As good as this soundalike was, no- one could ever match Billy's charisma or stage presence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2xrfz4iN10

Halfway to Paradise - The Night I met Billy Fury!

WHY?.................

I've always liked Billy Fury. I have 24 first cousins, most of whom are older than me, so when I was growing up I was surrounded by the pop music from the late fifties and early sixties.

The only musicians that had more records in the UK charts than Billy in the 60's were The Beatles, Cliff Richard, and Elvis.

Billy was also from Liverpool, and was part of what was called The Merseybeat sound. He was in good company. The Beatles, Cilla Black and Gerry and the Pacemakers all came from Liverpool. (The Mersey is the river that runs through Liverpool.)

Billy had had Rheumatic Fever as a child. This had left him with heart problems. In the early 70's he had to have a heart operatiion.

WHEN?............

In 1973, Billy was in the process of relaunching his career. He had just appeared in the film "Stardust" with David Essex and Ringo Starr. I was 17 years old.

WHERE?.........

RAF Scampton was a training base for new recruits in those days. (Scampton is about 4 miles outside Lincoln.) They had a fantastic Dance Hall on camp, and they always had some really well known bands and singers booked to perform every Saturday night.

HOW?

Can you believe this? To make sure the young RAF lads were happy, the RAF organised two free buses from Lincoln, and shipped us girls out to the camp each week. We also received a voucher for a FREE Babycham. (See I told you I know a lot about Social History!)

The Birdmobile

WHO?..............

We would turn up every weekend to check out the new recruits. There were always the same two airforce guys on the door. One of them was called Nick, he was a bit sweet on me and always gave me an extra Babycham Voucher. Nick also booked the acts and looked after the stars.

One particular Saturday we all turned up, eager to see Billy. My crowd consisted of Sidesaddle Sally, Showalot Sharon, Legover Linda, and me.

(My nickname was Sock-it-to-'em Sue 'cos I had no boobs and augmented my "fried egg" bosom with a pair of socks placed inside my 30AA training bra.)

Nick and I would share some flirty banter, such as "Hey up 'Fungus Face'" (me to him.) and

he would retort stuff like

"Was the Hairdresser closed this week, Tatty Head?"

"When are you gonna let me be the father to your future children?"

and

"That skirt would look lovely on my bedroom floor."

I'd say stuff like, "There's a queue for my affections, and you're NOT in it."

This week I restrained myself, and said nice things like, "Oooh your Hai Karate Aftershave smells gorgeous."

"Nick, sweetie," I says, fluttering my eyes so much, I nearly lost me falsies (eyelashes!)

"Would you be able to get me Billy's autograph?"

"I'll do my best," says Nick.

There was a DJ that played records during the early part of the evening. We danced to such classics as

"Cum on Feel The Noize" by Slade

"See my Baby Jive" by Wizzard

"Farewell is a Lonely Sound" Jimmy Ruffin

So there we were the 4 of us, dancing round our handbags.

I looked over my shoulder and there's Nick beckoning me over.

"Come with me," he says

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

(To be continued.............................)