This Won't Hurt at All, and Other Lies (revisited)

Thirty one years ago today, my son Alistair was born.

In celebration I am reposting a previous blogpost that I put on here a while ago.

I hope it makes you smile!

"More hot water! More hot water!" shouted one of the midwives.

The first Mr Dollytub, very nervous at the thought of our first born's imminent arrival, jumped up and asked,

"More hot water, really? I thought they only shouted that in films. But if you DO need some, perhaps I can help."

Nurse Sharon barked back at him,

"Of course we need more hot water, I'm gagging for a cup of tea."

So, there we all were at our local Maternity Hospital, the year was 1979.

It was December and the snow was falling........

(Effects.......picture going all swirly, ABBA playing softly in the background.)

There were actually three midwives on duty that night, I was the only patient.

All three were in my room, along with Mr D and, obviously, myself.

It wasn't that I needed that amount of care, but the telly in the Staff Room wasn't great, whereas the one in my room had fantastic reception.

(As long as I held the aerial high enough above my head. )

Oh the joys of the NHS!

Even though it was our first baby, this was the fourth time I'd gone through this, as I'd already had three false alarms. (YES, that's THREE!)

Those of you old enough to remember will know that this was in the days when you had to have a shave and an enema, as soon as you arrived. And that included the visitors :O)

Now, I can't remember if it was the labour pains getting worse, or whether my arm was aching badly from holding the TV aerial, but I needed some pain relief.

I knew Nurse Sharon, from the days of our youth. In those days we called her "Show-a-lot Sharon." She used to go dancing with Legover Linda, Sidesaddle Sally, and me.

For one of our many escapades see here

Sharon went off to fetch the Pethedine. I was a bit worried.............

The last time I'd seen Sharon with a needle had been years before, when we worked in the Testing Department at the condom factory. She'd been ruthless!

The injection wasn't too bad, as it turned out. It definitely helped ease the cramp in my aerial holding arm.

The pains were now coming thick and fast, so the Nurses decided to take me through to the Delivery Suite.

Oh, those girls - what a sense of humour!

"I want to push, I want to push!" I shouted through gritted teeth.

"No you don't, you just think you do." Sharon and a nurse with a moustache sauntered over to wash their hands.

"I do!" I was really shouting now.

Nurse Sharon sighed, "Push if you want, nowt'll happen."

I pushed.

The look on her face said it all.

She rushed forward and got there just in time to catch baby Alistair.

I had been ready to push

All the nurses ran around like headless chickens.

Everything was ok, Sharon came in with cups of tea for me and Mr D.

"Gosh, that was quick." she said, "I'm afraid you'll need some stitches"

"You're not doing it?" I asked, everso hopefully.

"No, we'll fetch the doctor." She scurried off.

Mr D had finished his tea and went off to 'phone family and friends.

The Doctor came in. He washed his hands and put on his mask.

He picked up the sutures and adjusted the light.

It was then that I noticed something in his top pocket..............

I looked closer, and just sticking up out of the pocket, I saw............................

I must have had a look of horror on my face.

"Anything wrong?" he asked.

"That," I said pointing to it. "It doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence."

"It could be worse." he said.

"In what way?" I asked, wondering what he was going to say next.

He winked, cheekily and said......

...........................................

...........................................

"I could have left it at home on my dressing table."

*************

A POEM FOR MY FIRST BORN

When I carried you inside me I longed for a baby son,

Then my prayers were answered, my gorgeous first born son,

They laid you in my arms and I knew right away,

That the love you and I would share,

Would be wonderful and beyond compare.

You were the image of your Dad

So I knew you would be a handsome lad

He was your idol when you were small

He was your hero and you were his all

You really were your Dad's lad.

The years they flew by,

I watched you grow

From a little wee lad, to a man strong and tall

There were many times when the things that you did

Left me weary and sad and wanting to cry

I despaired of you then but our love turned it round

You became the man of whom I am proud.

Now you’re a man with kids of your own

You can feel the joy of loving a child,

And how deep that love goes,

Now you know how I feel when I look at you,

My son, my one, my first born son.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI - HAVE A LOVELY DAY!
XXXXXXX

Another Day in Paradise?........................

Are you nostalgic for times gone by?

Do you yearn to be an old style housewife?

Are you sure?

Do you REALLY want to go back in time to live as a retro woman, and all that entails?

............to a time when.....................

........there were NO automatic washing machines.........

..........we had freezing cold bedrooms.......................

...............and children still suffered from polio and rickets?

Now, my dear Bloggeroos, you know that some of the things I tell you are tall tales.

I tell stories usually based on fact.

BUT............................

I write them with my tongue firmly in my cheek.

I just put a 'Dollytub Cottage spin' on them.

Not today.

When I was in the attic recently, I found a load of old books.

What follows is from a school text book and is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

(Although I added the photo's. he, he, he!)

.........................................................

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible.

Whilst feminine hygiene is the upmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would his morning train.

But remember to look your best when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming, without being obvious.............

If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers, wait until he is asleep.

This can be quite shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows, and in particular, your commitment to obey him.

If he feels the need to sleep immediately, then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes.

Do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress, (yes! it really says 'congress'), then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

When he reaches his moment of fulfilment, (yes! it says that, too), a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

sorry, I couldn't resist!

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and complying, but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep promptly......................

.............so adjust your clothing, and freshen up and apply your night time face cream and hair products.........................

You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning.

This will enable you to have his morning cuppa ready for him when he awakes.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When do you think this book was published?.................

.......................the 1930's?....................

........................the 1940's?....................

......................the 1950's then?.........

The book was printed in................................

So, ladies, see how far we have come in just a couple of generations.

My Mum and Dad have been married nearly SIXTY years,

so I asked Mumsie if she thought it was a true reflection of a 1960's housewife...............

....................................

Firstly, she laughed her head off............

..............then she said.........(her usual reply if you ask her a silly question)...........

"Don't talk so soddin' soft!"

I wished I never asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!